


Sober

by Basez_Dreams



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-24
Updated: 2012-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-30 01:53:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/326464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basez_Dreams/pseuds/Basez_Dreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Warnings/Spoilers: Non-graphic drug/alcohol use, Non-con, past very minor character death, angst, boy sexin', schmoop. </p>
<p>Summary: It's been two years since Supernatural finished, and both Jared and Jensen's careers and their realtionship are riding high. But a tragedy in Jared's family destroy's their world. Jared can't deal with the pain, so he absorbs himself in a life of drugs and alcohol. Jensen's at his wits end, and one night, Jared does something that could destroy their relationship for good.</p>
<p>This is a journey of recovery and love, and whether it is strong enough to get through the trials life throws at them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the memory of Sammyndeansgrl1.
> 
> This was written for spn-j2-bigbang 2009.

The constant tick-tick of the clock in the expansive hallway gave the only indication of how late it was. The sweeping shadows in the apartment seemed like a permanent fixture of late, swallowing any hint of light, tainting it with unforgiving darkness. His whole world was gradually turning darker, the sun on the horizon no longer clear as it once was. Instead, everywhere he looked, his eyes met murky clouds, always looming over head, never too far away to provide a storm.   
  
It wasn’t his fault; in no way it could be, but he felt responsible for the way his own personal sunshine had become nothing more than a lit cigarette in a smoky bar. Jensen loved Jared and he knew that he would never stop. Jared was his ever after, but at the moment, that ever after wasn’t so happy.  
  
Supernatural had finished only a mere three years before. After five incredible seasons, it had been time for it to end. Both Jared and Jensen had offers, but neither had been in any hurry to get back to California. Instead, they were much more content to stay in the life they had built for themselves in Vancouver. But eventually, the pull of LA became too strong, as did the need for work. So they had packed all their belongings, took the dogs and left. The house was still there, but they hadn’t returned since leaving. Things had just become more complicated. In Vancouver, Jensen had felt like nothing could touch them. They had been able to be themselves, had been able to act like any other couple. But back in LA, they had to curb who they were. He thought that they had been coping. He thought that they had been doing ok. He had work, Jared had work...   
  
But then the shit hit the fan. Jensen never quite realised, until then, what grief could do to a person. Within a matter of moments, Jared's father died from a heart attack, passing away before the ambulance arrived.  
  
Jared's downward spiral started with alcohol. Nothing so drastic that Jensen noticed right away, but when Jared was drinking every night, getting drunk, he began to realise that something wasn’t right. Jared wasn’t eating, and barely sleeping, but Jensen had put that down to the loss of his father. It bewildered him, though, that Jared still found the energy to go out and get trashed. When he got home, sometimes he was so drunk he passed out on the couch instead of making it to their bed. Other times Jensen pretended he was asleep so he didn’t have to deal with looking at his lover with disappointment and despair in his eyes.   
  
Jensen didn’t know why alcohol became too little for Jared, but all too soon, he could see the signs of drug use. He had no idea what Jared was taking, but the blood shot eyes, the short temper, the buzz all pointed to illegal substances.   
  
Then he started finding track marks on Jared’s body. He was sure Jared thought he was being clever, trying to hide them from him, but when he was asleep, Jensen had looked. At first he looked on his arms and legs, but then, when removing Jared’s watch, he found them on his wrist. This discovery brought home how serious this all was, and how much Jared was putting himself in danger.  
  
When he tried to confront Jared, he just muttered that Jensen didn’t understand what he was going through and left. Perhaps if Jared had tried talking about it instead of running away from his problems, Jensen would understand.  
  
Jensen tried talking to Chad, but Chad was as much in the dark as he was. It didn’t help any that Chad had moved to Seattle to be with his lover. It made Jensen feel like he had to deal with this thing Jared had become on his own.  
  
Nights like this became the norm. He couldn’t go to sleep until he knew Jared was back, regardless of the state he would be in. He wished that a miracle would happen and Jared would just turn up and be back to the way he used to be, the over grown man-child Jensen had fallen for way back when the show was starting up.   
  
Unfortunately, that didn’t seem likely, and Jensen didn’t know how much more he was able to take.  
  
*****  
  
Jensen woke with a start, eyes blinking blearily into the dim light. He reached for the tv remote and switched off the static that was tearing through the room, sighing when a memory caught him.  
  
“Don’t leave the static on, Jen.”  
  
“Jared, don’t be silly. It’s only static.”  
  
“Only static? You saw White Noise, right? One and two?”  
  
Jensen blinked his eyes, refusing to allow the moisture to build up. It was happening all the time, these tiny memories that would come out of the left field and knock him for six.   
  
His ears perked up when he heard a crash in the kitchen, alerting him of Jared’s presence. That must have been what had woken him.   
  
He rolled his neck, trying to get the kinks out of it, and stood from the couch. He shuffled slowly, intending to go into their room and climb into bed; but he couldn’t help but peek his head around the corner to see into the kitchen. Jared was there, crouched on the floor, trying to pick up bits of broken glass. He wasn’t making a very good job of it, though. Instead he was swaying, so much so that Jensen was worried he would fall into the mess he had made.   
  
“Jay,” Jensen sighed as he stepped onto the cold floor.   
  
Jared looked up, and like Jensen had predicted, he lost his balance and went sprawling on his backside. He sat there for a moment before he started laughing hysterically. Jensen couldn’t even bring himself to crack a smile. He chose to ignore Jared and set about cleaning up the glass. He didn’t need to see his face to know how wasted he was.   
  
By the time he dumped the shards in the bin, Jared had pulled himself upright, but was still swaying. Jensen walked away from him, heading to their bedroom where he prayed that Jared would fall asleep quickly.   
  
No such luck.  
  
“Jen. Baby.” Jared’s voice came from behind him, the slur prominent as ever. “Whass wrong?”  
  
“Nothing. Just get into bed, Jared. Sleep it off.” Again. Jensen crawled into bed, staying as far away from Jared’s side as he could, and closed his eyes as tight as he was able. He didn’t want to deal with Jared right now. He didn’t have the strength.   
  
“C’mon, babe. don’t be like that.”  
  
Jensen could hear the whine in Jared’s voice; there was a time when he thought that it was adorable, kind of endearing, but now it grated in his ever-fraying nerves. “I’m not being like anything. Just get some sleep.”  
  
Jensen felt the bed dip behind him and before he knew it, Jared had pulled on his shoulder and turned him so that he was lying on his back. He blinked up at the unfamiliar expression on Jared’s face and suddenly felt his heart drop to his stomach. He knew that look, had had it directed at himself for as long as he could remember, but never from Jared. Jared had never looked at him like he was a piece of meat.  
  
“Jared, don’t,” Jensen said, trying to move away from Jared, but the larger man had him pinned. He winced when Jared applied more pressure to his shoulders, each hand making sure to hold him firmly to the bed.   
  
“Jensen,” Jared practically purred, but not in the seductive way Jensen knew and appreciated. No, this was more like a lion cornering its prey. “We haven’t had sex in months and I’m horny…”  
  
“Jared, not now. You’re still grieving,” Jensen tried to argue, but even he could hear the insincerity in his words.  
  
“I’m not. I feel so good, Jensen.” He let go of Jensen long enough to pull off his shirt. “I feel so amazing.”  
  
“That’s the drugs talking, Jared. If you were lucid enough, then you would know that you are still hurting. And I get that, I do, but I can’t be with you when you’re like this. It’s too hard.”  
  
Jared’s eyes narrowed in anger, and Jensen instantly regretted saying what he had been thinking out loud.   
  
“There’s nothing wrong with me,” Jared growled. “I just want to have sex with my boyfriend.”  
  
Jared's hands went to Jensen’s boxers and started to pull them off.   
  
“No, Jared, don’t!” Jensen tried wiggle away from Jared, but he had him pinned again, his body straddling his legs as his hands ripped the boxers down. “Jared, I don’t want this. Please, Jay, please.”  
  
“Mmm, Jen. Need this.”  
  
“Jared, no! Get off me, please get off me!”  
  
But it seemed that all his pleading fell on deaf ears as suddenly, Jensen was flipped onto his front and he could feel Jared preparing him. He couldn’t relax, too busy caught up in the harsh reality of what was happening. It hit him then that the person he had once trusted most in his life was about to…  
  
God, he couldn’t think it, he couldn’t. Because if he didn’t, then it wouldn’t be true; couldn’t be true. But as he struggled to get free from Jared, he knew it was.  
  
As Jared pushed into him, he bit his lip to hold in the scream that wanted to rip itself from his throat. Tears seeped from his eyes, soaking the pillow beneath his cheek. He cried for himself, he cried for Jared, but most of all, he cried for all that had been ripped away by this very act. As soon as Jared was passed out, that was it. He was gone.  
  
The only thing that was hurting more than what was happening was the feeling of his heart breaking.   
  
******  
  
It was late morning when the plane touched down in Seattle. Jensen stared blindly out of the window until the seatbelt sign flashed off and he was able to get his bag. He had packed lightly in his hurry to get out of LA, to get away from his destroyed relationship, to find the one person he needed at this moment.   
  
He had contemplated calling Steve and Chris. But his overzealous redneck friend would do something stupid that would put him in jail. Again. Besides, they were touring and he didn’t want to ruin that for them. He couldn’t go back to Texas either, as he didn’t want to upset either of their families.  
  
So Seattle it was.  
  
No doubt this is where Jared would head, too, but he would take that chance, because he really needed his old friend.   
  
He made it to the quaint shoreline house in just under an hour. He hadn’t called ahead, just took the chance and came. He raised his hand to knock and prayed he could hold it together.  
  
*****  
  
Jared fought through the grogginess that he had become accustomed to. He stretched and reached his hand out, expecting to touch Jensen, but was met with nothing but cold sheets. He squinted his eyes open and looked to his side. The empty bed confirmed that he was alone.  
  
He groaned as he sat up and started to call out for Jensen, but his eye caught a piece of white paper lying on Jensen’s pillow. With an unsteady hand, he picked it up and read the words hastily scribbled across the page.   
  
I can’t do this anymore.   
  
That was it. Five little words that made the night before come rushing back to Jared. His eyes widened in horror at what he had done to Jensen, the man he loved. His gut roiled violently and he leaned over the side of the bed and threw up the alcohol still in his stomach.   
  
The putrid liquid burned his throat, but his watering eyes had nothing to do with that. He-had-raped-Jensen. Another wave of nausea hit him, forcing his stomach to clench again. Minutes passed as he continued to gag and retch, nothing more than bile surfacing now that his stomach was empty.  
  
Eventually it passed and Jared sagged onto the bed, tears steadily streaming from his eyes. What have I done? kept repeating over and over in his mind, the words forcing the painful memory into pure clarity. He had been so drunk and high, trying to dull the pain in his soul that he’d had no idea what he was doing. He could remember wanting to feel something other than the ache in his chest, and went the desperately wrong way about easing it.  
  
His father would be so disappointed in him.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into the empty room, his arms wrapped around his stomach, trying to keep himself together. “I’m so sorry, Jensen.” But there was no one there to answer him.  
  
Jared gradually pulled himself up and went into the bathroom, his bladder battling for his attention. Once he had relieved himself, he looked in the mirror and for the first time saw what he was doing to himself. His face was pale, no longer the healthy bronze the sun had adorned him with, and his sunken eyes were surrounded with an almost bruise-like blackness. His hair was lank and greasy, even his cheeks seemed shallower.   
  
Jared looked away from his own eyes, hating himself even more, and his gaze fell on where their toothbrushes were held. His breath caught in his throat as he saw that his toothbrush was alone in the stand. Jensen’s was gone. That drove home the reality that Jensen had left him. A sharp sob tore its way out of his mouth, and he crumpled to the floor like a sandcastle in the rain.  
  
This was it. He had finally hit rock bottom.


	2. Two

The door swung open and Jensen looked up to see the man who had played his father on _Supernatural._

"Jensen?"

Jensen tried to open his mouth to say something, to greet his friend, anything, but all he managed was a strangled whine before he was falling forward, the agony of his grief so piercing he couldn’t breathe.

"Whoa," Jensen heard Jeff grunt as he caught the force of his weight. He felt the older man wrap his arms around his waist and lift him so that he was able to stay standing. He held on, knowing if Jeff were to step away he would soon be on the floor like a broken rag doll. He allowed himself to be led inside, only dimly aware of the door closing and another voice breaking through his heartbroken haze.

He soon found himself seated on the plush couch in Jeff’s living room, the cold wet nose of his dog, Bisou, pushing curiously against his arm. Another broken sob broke free as he was reminded of Harley and Sadie who were back in Texas with Jared’s mother.

Jensen wrapped his arms around himself and he started rocking backwards and forwards, tears slipping from his eyes, splashing on his jeans. He could hear talking, but he couldn’t understand what was being said. He felt himself being pushed gently onto his side, just letting those hands lay him down. As soon as he was down, he curled in on himself, his face buried in the soft cushion beneath him, crying himself to sleep.

It could have been minutes, or maybe hours later, when Jensen awoke, but he felt like he had no rest. His eyes flickered open and he cringed as the lashes stuck together with dried tears. He sat up and looked around only to see both Chad and Jeff were there, sitting opposite him, talking quietly.

Jensen cleared his throat and they both snapped their heads around to look at him.

"How’re you feeling?" Jeff asked as he stood and went to the coffee table and picked up a bottle of water, handing it to Jensen.

"Thanks," Jensen muttered, opening the lid and swallowing almost half the bottle in two gulps. He placed the lid back on and clutched the bottle in his hands, hanging it between his splayed knees. His eyes were downcast; he was afraid of what he would see in his friends’ faces. "I feel like shit," Jensen answered.

"You want to tell us what happened?" That was so Jeff, Jensen mused. Get right to the point, no muss, no fuss. "Has something happened to Jared?"

At the sound of Jared’s name, the bottle slipped from between his now-slack fingers and his eyes shot up to look at them both. He didn’t realise that his hands were shaking until Jeff was beside him, holding them within his own.

"Jen, you’re scaring us here. What’s wrong?"

Jensen knew that their close friends knew about Jared’s downward spiral since his father’s death, and they had tried to be there for him. But it was hard, especially when he became nothing more than a shadow of the man they had once known.

"Jared-" Jensen’s voice broke, but he took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "I’ve left him."

"What?" Chad spoke up, eyes icy and a little dangerous looking.

"I’ve left him," Jensen said again, nearly flinching at the way Chad was looking at him.

"What did he do?" Chad asked between clenched teeth. That surprised Jensen. He had assumed Chad’s heated reaction was due to him leaving his best friend, not because he seemed to know that Jared had done something.

Jensen knew that it was unhealthy to keep it to himself, but the reality of telling them was almost as scary. What would they do? What would they say?

He pulled his hands away from Jeff’s and stood. Slowly, he lifted the hem of his shirt to reveal bruises that were no doubt made by fingerprints. They were already starting to turn a murky green colour, but there was no doubt about how they were caused and who by. The collective gasp was the only indication that they seemed to know what he was going to say before he said it. But he had to, had to get it out there.

"He-he forced himself on me…last night."

His words were met with silence, which lasted for a few long moments. The only noise that Jensen could hear was his own heartbeat, which seemed deafeningly loud.

Eventually, Chad broke the silence. "He… _raped_ you?" His voice was coloured with anger and disbelief. At Jensen’s nod, Chad flew to his feet. "Mother fucker!" He started storming towards the front door, snagging his keys on the way.

"What’re you doing?" Jeff asked, standing and following him, Jensen not two steps behind.

"To go and kill that asshole. Christ, Jeff, he’s my best friend, but he’s a monster!"

"No," Jensen said, his voice strengthening, "no, he’s not."

"How can you say that?" Chad demanded, his eyes gleaming wetly in the brightness of the hallway. "After what he’s done to you, how can you defend him?"

"I’m not," Jensen denied. And he wasn’t. He knew that what happened was because of what Jared was on, knew it was because Jared wasn’t himself, hadn’t been for more than a year. "You know what he’s doing and how it’s made him someone else entirely."

"That’s no excuse!" Chad exclaimed. "How could he do that to someone he loves?"

Jensen didn’t have an answer for that.

"Look, can you just no do anything rash?" Jensen asked finally. "Please?"

Chad looked at him for a moment, emotional torment obvious in his eyes. Eventually, though, he sighed and flung his keys down.

They went back into the living room and sat back down, save for Chad, who went to the drinks cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Jack along with three glasses. He poured himself a shot and downed it, then poured two for Jeff and Jensen and one more for himself.

Jensen took it gratefully, but only held the glass, staring at the amber liquid.

"You gonna call the cops?" Chad asked suddenly, sitting down next to Jeff, making sure their legs were touching.

"Chad," Jeff warned, eyes flashing in silent communication.

"It’s ok, Jeff." Jensen smiled briefly, just a twitch of the corners of his mouth that did nothing to suggest that any of this _was_ ok. "No, I’m not. It’s…God, this is so hard to explain. It’s not something that the police can help with. Jared needs to get clean from that stuff, but I can’t be with him; not while he's still so high he doesn‘t know what he's doing and who he's hurting. I can’t keep putting myself through it. I won’t."

"God, this is so fucked up," Chad said quietly, his words barely making a sound in the room. He leaned into Jeff’s touch when he trailed his fingers along the back of his neck in a calming caress.

"I know," Jensen whispered back, ignoring the intimate action between his two friends.

"You’re more than welcome to stay here," Jeff told him, his soulful eyes looking at Jensen with such sorrow that it made Jensen’s eyes tear up again. "For a long as you need."

"Thanks man."

"But…"

"But what?" Jensen asked, curious.

"This is going to be the first place Jared is going to think to look for you...?" Jeff trailed off, the underlining concern heavy in his tone.

Jensen hadn’t thought about that. Jared knew that Chris and Steve were out of town, and he could assume that Jared would know that he wouldn’t have gone home. "Fuck."

"My sentiments exactly. What do you want to do?"

Jensen sighed and looked over at his friend. "Let him come."

*****

Later, when the day had turned into evening, Jensen was in the spare room where he and Jared had stayed many-a-time. Thankfully, the walls had long since been decorated, otherwise Jensen wasn’t sure he could even stand to be in the door way, let alone sit on the bed that was far too big for just one.

He had his cell clutched in his hand and he kept willing it to ring, but at the same time he didn’t want it to. He had even dialed Jared’s number himself, but what would he say? Jared had abused his trust in the worst way possible and he didn’t know if he would ever be able to forgive him for it. He didn’t notice the tears falling from his eyes and trailing track marks down his cheeks until he felt a thumb swipe under his eye. He looked up, startled, and saw Jeff sitting next to him, a look of sorrow on his face.

"Didn’t hear you come in," Jensen said, voice cracking slightly.

"I noticed," Jeff smiled ruefully. "I was coming to ask how you were doing, but I can kinda see for myself."

"That obvious, huh?" Jensen tried to joke, wiping at his face, but he fell a few yards short.

"Yeah," Jeff replied bluntly. "How are you doing? Has he called?"

"Pretty shitty, to put it simply. And no. Hasn’t even sent a text. It’s not like I’m expecting him to, though. I just thought maybe…if he cared…"

"Boy, he does care. He’s just fucked up right now," Jeff reassured his friend, although he didn’t expect it to heal the hollow ache he knew was residing in Jensen’s chest.

"How can you even believe that after what he did?" Jensen hissed, completely aghast. "How can you sit there and tell me he cares about me after he...after he _raped me_. How could he do that to me?"

"Trust me, Jensen, there ain’t no way I’m defending what he did to you; that’s a damn right fucked up thing to do to someone you’re supposed to love. But, I’m able to see that he’s so messed up that he doesn’t know which way is right anymore. He needs help, badly, and I know you say you don’t want to be with him, but you’ve got to decide if you really mean that or if you’re going to get through this with him and break through to the other side. If you don’t decide soon, if you wait until it’s too late, you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life." Jeff paused and reached to squeeze Jensen’s hand. "Think about it, ok? Don’t do something you might regret."

Jensen watched Jeff leave the room and sat there silently as his words sank in.

******

"Would you like something to drink?"

Jared looked up at the stewardess and saw that she was gesturing to a trolley full of alcoholic beverages. He could feel the craving, almost as if it were crawling up his throat, out of his mouth, seeking out those miniature bottles of vodka and whiskey.

He took a breath, hands suddenly clenched at his sides to stop the shaking, and shook his head. "Just a coke, thanks."

He took the offered beverage and set it down. He didn’t touch it, just stared at it as if there were suddenly a mouldy film floating across the top.

His mind kept whirling as he remembered everything that led up to the night before and he couldn’t help but feel like a complete failure. His father would be so disappointed in him. Plenty of people have been in the same position; felt the same despair and grief. Unlike some, he had had emotional support and strength to help him cope, but he had been too stupid, too broken to see it. Perhaps if he had seen the way Jensen had been there for him, the way he was ready to hold him and piece him back together, he wouldn’t have travelled down the path toward his own destruction, and ultimately damaging the one person he held dearest in his life.

Jared knew what he had to do, got it all sorted this morning, but he didn’t know if he could do it on his own. Somehow he knew that he would have to. Why would Jensen bother sticking around for a fuck up like him? Just thinking about life without Jensen made him want to call the tarty trolley-dolly back and ask for the strongest alcoholic drink they had. But he couldn’t; he wouldn’t. Not anymore. Something had to change and he knew it was him.

But as he sat there, staring sightlessly out the window, he wondered if would ever be able to get his life back.

******

The knocking on the door the following morning alerted the three men having breakfast to a new arrival. They didn’t need to open it to know who it would be.

Chad made to get up, but Jeff caught his hand and shook his head. "I’ll go."

Jensen watched with wide, terrified eyes as Jeff got up from the breakfast bar to answer the door. It didn’t comfort him any that Chad was suddenly as still and silent as a statue, his eyes narrowed, his mouth pulled tight. He was fighting the urge to bolt, but then he heard voices, one clearly emotional, the other cold as ice.

"I can’t believe he has the nerve to show up here," Chad growled, stealing Jensen’s attention away from the other voices.

"We knew he would," Jensen replied, voice low.

"You better not go out there," Chad continued. "He doesn’t deserve to see you right now. Fuck, you better not just let him back in, not after what he’s done."

On some level Jensen knew that Chad was angry with his friend and was almost just as affected as Jensen was, but he couldn’t help but see red when he heard those words.

Before Jensen could even think about what he was doing, he was scraping his stool against the floor in order to get up, then was walking briskly to where Jeff was preventing Jared from coming in. Even with the undeniable knowledge of what Jared had done to him, when he saw him standing there, looking so broken, he couldn’t stop the way he wanted to somehow make this all okay again.

Jared looked up as soon as Jensen was within sight and he let out a broken sob, his face crumpling. Jensen wanted to close the distance between them, he really did, but he didn’t know how to. It wasn’t as simple as just opening up his arms and telling him everything was going to be ok. It didn’t work like that.

"Let him in, Jeff," Jensen said quietly, and waited patiently while Jeff took his time in moving back and letting Jared through.

"You even think about touching him…"

Jensen could here the growl in Jeff’s open threat and felt a little scared himself. Even though Jeff gave him that talk the night before, it was clear that he was livid with the younger man.

"I won’t," Jared promised, his voice nothing but a shadow to how it once was. He looked back over at Jensen and stepped a little closer. "Jensen…"

"Don’t, Jared. Don’t tell me you’re sorry and it won’t happen again because right now, I don’t know if I’ll believe you." Jensen's voice wavered, but he managed to keep it in check for the most part.

"Why don’t you go into the lounge?" Jeff offered as he shut the door. "It will give you some privacy and I’ll make sure to keep Chad away."

Jensen nodded, and gave a small smile of thanks. He headed towards the lounge, expecting Jared to follow him, not checking to see if he was.

He stood with his back to Jared for a long moment before he could bring himself to turn around. He wasn’t used to seeing Jared looking like this. Sure, over the past year he had seen Jared in various states of trashed, but he hadn’t seen him look like this since the news of his father's too-soon death.

"I-," Jared started, but broke off with a desperate sob. He raised his hands into his face and wept into them, his shoulders shaking violently.

Jensen couldn’t stand it, and against his better judgment, he pulled Jared into his arms and held him as he cried. Jared’s arms came around him, and his face burrowed into his shoulder, soaking the material of his t-shirt.

They stood there for a long moment, each shedding tears, each of their hearts aching. It was Jared who pulled away first, taking a few steps back, wiping at his blood shot eyes. He took a deep breath, trying to regulate his breathing.

"I know that nothing I can say will make you forgive me," Jared started, eyes looking down. "But I know that I need help. I also know that I can’t expect you to be there with me while I get it. I did something so unforgivable…I just hope in time that you know how sorry I feel."

Jensen stood silent for a few seconds while he took in Jared’s words. Eventually he was able to speak.

"I can’t forgive you Jared, not right now. You broke my heart and I need some time away. I’m pleased you know you need help, but you hurt me so bad…I just think we need to…"

"Separate," Jared finished for him and Jensen found himself nodding.

"We both need time to heal and until then, I don’t know what to say about us."

"I still love you," Jared whispered, his eyes tearing again.

"I love you, too," Jensen whispered back, his own tears thick in his voice. "But you understand what I'm saying?"

Jared nodded, smiling grimly. "Yeah, I understand. Can I…can I call you? To let you know how I’m doing?"

"Yeah. I’d like that."

Again, the silence encompassed them. Just as Jared was about to resume talking, the living room door crashed open and Chad was suddenly there, charging towards Jared, fury in his eyes.

"You bastard!" He cried, swinging powerfully at his friend. He caught Jared on the side of his face, sending him reeling to the floor. Jared didn’t even try to defend himself, just let the attack come. But when no more blows came, he looked up though his already rapidly swelling eye to see both Jeff and Jensen holding Chad at bay.

"You’re a fucking coward!" Chad roared. "How could you fucking do that to him, huh? How could you _rape_ the man you’re supposed to be in love with? What makes you think that’s ok?!"

Jared didn’t say anything. Instead, he picked himself up and gave a mournful look at them before saying, "I have no excuses. I fucked up and I’m taking full responsibility for it. No one could hate me more than I hate myself right now."

"You want to fucking bet?" Chad asked, but the words held no heat. He slumped in his lover's grip, the fight leaving his body. "Jay…you’re my best friend…why didn’t you come to me? Why did you let it get this far?"

"The same reason I didn’t go to Jensen. I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself, to the people I love. It’s hard when you‘re never sober enough to look past the next drink or the next hit."

Slowly, Jeff’s grip relaxed and Chad was able to slip free of his hands. He stepped towards Jared, who, in turn, stood his ground, albeit with his entire demeanor slumped. "You‘re gonna get help?"

Jared nodded, eyes flicking up to Chad. "Yeah."

"Just make sure you stick it out, ok? I’ve heard it can be hard."

"Watching E! about Lindsey Lohan’s failed attempts doesn’t count as ‘knowing about it‘," Jared joked weakly.

"Where’re you staying?" Jeff asked, eyes still weary, but softening around the edges.

"Um, I’m not staying. I’ve actually gotta be on a plane in a couple of hours. I just had to come and…" Jared trailed off, his voice getting weaker. "And…you know."

"Where are you going?" Jensen asked.

"Vancouver. Rehab."

"You’re going back to Vancouver?" Jensen asked surprised.

"Yeah. It was the first place I truly felt happy. I thought maybe the good memories would help."

"Oh." Jensen swallowed against the lump in his throat. "You have the details?"

Jared dug into his messenger bag and pulled out a thin folder. "Everything is in here. I’ll be there for forty two days. It’s the longer program, but I want to do this right."

Jensen accepted the information and nodded his head. "I’m pleased you’re doing this," he told Jared softly, sincerely. "Call me when you get there?"

Jared nodded.

The call never came.

******

Jared arrived in Vancouver with a vague sense of hope. He was doing the right thing, finally taking a step in the right direction. He couldn’t help, though, but feel like he should be punished more. Whether it was that line of thought or completely different reasoning, he didn’t call Jensen. Instead, he sent a text Chad to say ' _arrived ok'_ and nothing more.

Perhaps he believed, after seeing Jensen and being able to think things through on his journey, that Jensen shouldn’t have to deal with his crap. He had already put Jensen through so much, done so much to him. If he let Jensen be, then maybe it would be easier for both of them. He truly believed that he didn’t have another chance, so what was the point in prolonging both of their pain?

With that in the forefront of his mind, he stepped into the admissions office, bag clutched tightly in his hands, almost afraid to let go. His heart was thundering wildly in his chest and he was forcefully fighting the urge to turn and flee, to run back to Jensen and just hope everything would work out.

He knew instantly that that was not a good idea, so he sucked in a deep breath and walked over to the front desk.

A stern-looking, middle-aged women in a white uniform watching him as he approached.

"Hi," Jared started, not being able to help the nervous quiver in his voice. "I called yesterday. I’m--"

"Padalecki. Jared. Yes, I’ve got your information here." She gestured to the papers she had in front of her. "I just need you to fill out a few forms while I call Dr. Sanders to come and check you in. You read the instructions in what to bring?"

"Um, yeah," Jared said, taking out the offered papers. He took them, glancing at the insurance information questions. "I had a quick look before I came."

"Ok. Well, your luggage has to be checked and anything not on the list will be locked away for the duration of your stay. You’ll get it back on the day of your departure."

"That’s fine." Jared waited for her to say something more, but she was now on the phone, dialling _Dr. Sanders_ he suspected. He vaguely remembered reading that Dr. Sanders was the head therapist at the clinic.

Instead of waiting for her to finish, he walked over to the seats lined against the lobby wall and sat down. He took out the pen attached to the clip board and began to fill out his information.

_Address_

 _

Telephone number

Person to Contact in an Emergency

_

Everything led back to Jensen. It was hard, but he clenched his jaw and wrote the appropriate answers.

He lifted the nib from the page, eyes closing briefly and he took a steadying breath. Who knew filling out generic forms would be so emotionally hard?

*****

Fifteen minutes later, Jared was handing his completed forms back in, along with his cell, Ipod and other prohibited items for safe keeping.

"Ok," Rachel, as her name tag indicated, said. "Doctor Sanders is on his way down, so just hold tight." Within seconds her attention was directed to sorting out the forms he just handed back.

Jared stood there awkwardly before turning back to the chairs to sit down. He was only left sitting for a couple of minutes when a tall, blond man of slight frame and stature approached him. Huh. He looked a lot like Anthony Michael Hall in his younger days.

"Mr. Padalecki?" His voice was deep and rich, a direct conflict to his appearance.

Jared nodded and stood up.

"Hi. Welcome to Orchard Recovery. I’m Andrew Sanders. I’m acting head therapist, so I’ll be getting to know you quite well over the next few weeks. I see you’re here for the 42 day programme, yes?"

"Yes, sir," Jared replied politely. Up close Jared could see that Dr. Sanders seemed to be about the same age as himself. In his mind he thought briefly about what he had achieved and where he was now and what this man in front of him had. He mentally pushed away those thoughts; that was a slippery road to go down.

Dr. Sanders smiled. "No need to call me 'sir'. I don’t think you’re any younger than I am. Andrew, Andy or Dr. Sanders is fine." He paused briefly before continuing, "I want to talk to you in my office before I show to your room. I need to go through schedules for group sessions and the detox programme. I need to make sure you understand all that is needed and involved on your part, ok?"

"Okay."

Dr. Sanders started walking and Jared followed him. The walk took them outside of the main building and Jared was able to take a quick glance around, noticing the lush gardens and the swimming pool where someone was doing laps vigorously.

After a few more minutes of walking, they arrived at a small outer building which they walked into, coming to a small lobby with four separate doors leading off it. Jared followed Dr. Sanders through the first one, to which, he assumed, was the doctor’s office. He was correct.

"Take a seat, Jared." Dr. Sanders gestured at the black leather seat that was facing a small, but elegant mahogany desk. Jared did was he was told, bag slipping from his shoulder to rest on the floor next to his feet.

Dr. Sanders took his own seat and sat there, hands folded in front of him, resting on the desk. "First of all, I want to say that my door is always open. If you need someone to talk to outside of therapy sessions or anything else, don't hesitate to ask."

"Thank you," Jared found himself saying. As he sat there, waiting for Dr. Sanders to continue, Jared could feel a familiar tremor starting in his hands, and a dry, almost parched feeling start in his throat. This was the longest he had gone without drinking or taking anything, and he could feel the effects beginning to start; not so much so that he couldn't concentrate, but just enough to have the need for those substances to be in his peripheral.

"Right, now, I'm not going to tell you that this is going to be easy, because it's not. It's possibly one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do in your life, but if you stick with it and stay strong, you'll get through it. You've taken the first step by admitting you have a problem, and this is the second step. I can promise that you will receive all the support we can give you. Like I said a second ago, we have an open door policy here. At the moment we only have 14 patients in residence, but our maximum is 25. You'll be able to find things to do with your peers or on your own if you prefer."

"Will I have to share a room with someone?" Jared didn't know why he wanted to know; maybe he wanted to know that he would be able to cry alone at night without disturbing anyone.

"No. We have enough rooms so that everyone staying here gets their own space."

Jared nodded, not knowing what to say to that.

Dr. Sanders pulled open his desk draw and rooted around inside for a couple of moments before he pulled out a couple of sheets of paper, handing them over. "This is a map of the facility and the schedule for group therapy sessions. There'll also be individual therapy sessions, but those will be arranged later."

Jared took the offered material with shaky hands and glanced down at the schedule. Dr. Sanders watched as the paper shook in Jared's hands.

 

"As you know Jared, your body will be going through withdrawal as all the poisons leave your system. It's not going to be easy," he said flipping through the chart that he'd taken from the desk attendant. "I see here that you have an addiction to alcohol as well as illegal drugs."

 

"Yes si...uh, yes Doctor," Jared said, catching himself before he said sir again.

 

"Are these the only drugs that you've been using?" he asked. "We'll be drawing blood later to run a tox screen, so if there are other things in your system, you might as well tell me now," he said, setting down the file.

 

"Uh, I smoke sometimes too, not a lot though," Jared said trying to make the situation not seem as bad.

 

"Jared, I'm not here to judge you, I'm here to help you. What else?"

 

"Cocaine. Sometimes. Mostly just the heroin," Jared said quietly. He was shocked to see that didn’t seem to phase Dr. Sanders, no judgement in his eyes.

"Ok. Right, first things first; I’m going to show you to your room and then take you to the in-house physician for your blood test."

And so it began.

******

Jensen was sitting in the guest bedroom at Jeff and Chad’s, staring out the window. He didn’t want to go back to the apartment he shared with Jared. The memories were too fresh, and he didn’t want to go back to Texas, either. He wasn’t going to tell his family what had transpired, for they would never forgive Jared, even if Jensen could. So he had asked to stay with Jeff and Chad and they had let him without any hesitation.

As Jensen watched the world go by, all grey sky and light drizzle, his ears listened for the sound of his cell phone ringing. He hadn’t heard from Jared yet; it had been four days already. He refused to feel hurt when Chad told him he had received a text from him and then a phone call last night. He really tried not to care, but he couldn’t stop himself. After all, he still loved Jared.

He sighed wearily moments before there was a knock on his door. He didn’t bother to answer, knowing whoever it was would come in anyway.

He was proven right when Chad came in. Jensen didn’t move as Chad sat down next to him, keeping silent for just a second.

"I think he’s scared," Chad said finally.

Jensen played dumb. "Who?"

"C’mon, Jen. You know who I’m talking about. I think he’s had a chance to step away and look at what he’s done and he’s scared. Scared you’ll leave him, scared he’ll fail."

"Chad, just stop, ok? I don’t need you explaining to me why he’s decided to cut me off, even though it was him who…who hurt me." The stumble didn’t go unnoticed, Jensen was sure, but he was thankful Chad didn’t say anything.

"Fine." Chad cleared his throat. "Jeff and I are going out tonight and you’re coming with." Jensen started to protest, but Chad held up his hand. "No. You’re going and that’s the end of it. And hey, aren’t Steve and Chris gonna be in Tacoma next week? You should call them."

"Yes mom," Jensen said dryly, but if he was honest with himself, he quite liked the way his friends were looking out for him.

"There’s a good boy," Chad laughed, mussing Jensen’s hair. "I knew you’d see sense."

*****

"Dude, I’m telling you, it’s the coolest thing ever!" Chad exclaimed, shouting over the loud voices in the small bar in downtown Seattle.

Jensen nursed his beer, trying so hard not to smack Chad upside the head. He liked the guy, but man, he was a bigger fangirl than some of his own fans. "You really need to get over it. It’s not that interesting."

"Whatever," Chad scoffed. "I live in the same state now as Edward. Edward freaking Cullen, man! That’s so cool!"

Jeff rolled his eyes at his lover, albeit affectionately. "This is your fault," he told Jensen.

"Me? How?!" Jensen bit his lip, trying not to smile.

"You bought him those damn books."

"No, Jared did." At the mention of Jared’s name, Jensen’s mood sobered. It felt strange being out with his friends without Jared, but he eventually got past it. Now it hit him again. He felt his eyes sting with wetness, and blinked rapidly, trying to will the tears away.

"It’ll be ok," Jeff said gently, his dark eyes shining sincerely. He reached over and placed his hand on Jensen’s, giving it a squeeze. "You’ll see."

"How can you have so much faith?" Jensen asked. "I should be the one saying stuff like that, but I just don’t know. How can you sound so sure?"

"Because I know you. And I know Jared," Jeff answered easily, and it was the answer Jensen needed to hear. Jeff took his hand back and shifted to wrap his arm around Chad’s shoulders. "Now, my little fangirl, what do you say about getting us more drinks?"

****

The rest of the night was uneventful, if you exclude Chad being, well, Chad. Jensen actually had a good time, even though after his first beer he changed to soft drinks. He decided then and there that if Jared couldn’t drink, then neither would he.

But now he sat in the familiar position on the edge of the bed, trying not to stare at his cell phone, not willing it to ring. It wasn’t working. He didn’t understand what Jared was thinking, but sooner or later he was going to find out.

*****


	3. Three

The first week had dragged. The hours blended one into another as Jared lay in his room on the bed, shivering and shaking from the withdrawal his body was going through. He tried to keep his reasons in mind and to focus on them, but as the symptoms gained severity, those reasons began to fade into the background.

He hadn’t been able to make it to any of the therapy sessions yet, but he was told that this was to be expected. The on-site physician kept a close eye on him throughout the worst of the detox. He'd always known that coming off such a heavy drug like heroin would be an awful experience, he just had no clue that it would be so painful. He could take the sweats, the shaking, hell, he could even deal with the vomiting and diarrhoea. But the physical pain of coming off the drug was close to excruciating...the want and desire for another hit was so strong. Just one more hit would make all the pain go away.

 

But Jensen.

 

He would never go back to being that person again. The person who took everything from Jensen and squashed it in a drunken, drug-induced haze. No. He wouldn't be that person ever again.

Eventually Jared pulled himself from the bathroom, still feeling shaky and weak. Every patient was given a phone card and in turn, each person had to supply a list of phone numbers to be approved before they could use it. Jared had two. Chad and Jensen. Not that he had used Jensen’s number yet….

He sighed thankfully when he got to the main lobby and saw that the phone was free. He wished it was in a more private area, but then again, he could understand why it wasn’t.

With shaking fingers, he picked up the receiver and dialled the familiar number. It rang twice before the other end was picked up.

"Hello?"

Jared took a deep, steadying breath and closed his eyes, his forehead creased in distress.

"Jared?" The voice came again.

"Yeah," Jared said, his voice breaking. "Hey Chad."

"Christ, you sound like shit," Chad stated bluntly.

Jared gave a humourless laugh that sounded more like a strangled sob and opened his eyes. "Thanks. I knew you’d be able to make me feel better."

"I’m serious," Chad told him softly, a hint of worry in his voice. "You sound really bad."

"You would too if you were shitting and throwing up damn near every second of the day." He didn’t mean to sound as harsh as he did, but he was emotionally all over the place.

"Sorry dude," Chad sounded contrite. "But other than that, how’re you coping?"

"I’m…I don’t think I am," Jared admitted. "I try to keep in mind why I’m doing this, but it hurts so bad. It feels like my organs are trying to rip themselves from my body; I can’t sleep, I can barely eat, and I can’t stop sweating and shaking. I never thought it would be this hard."

"I thought all that would stop once you were on the methadone regimen?"

"They said it could take a while for it to kick in properly. I’ve only been on it for a few days. It’s eased the shakes a bit, but…I just feel like I’m never going to get better…"

"Jay, you’re doing so good."

"Right…"

"No, you are! You took that step to go out there, and you’ve lasted longer than a lot of other drug abusers would. You’ve just got to stick it out and get through this."

"I know, but it’s so hard," Jared whispered, his eyes watering at the truth in those few words.

"Anything worth doing usually is."

"When did you become smart?" Jared chuckled lightly. He looked down at his feet and scuffed his shoes along the ground, grinning at Chad’s answer.

"I’ve always been smart, bitch! But…" Chad trailed off, embarrassment clear in his voice.

"But what?"

"But what can I say? Jeff brings out the best in me." Chad paused. "And if you laugh at me for that, I will kill you when I see you."

"Hey, I’m not laughing…you big girl."

"You’re the girl in this relationship buddy! Or did you forget the way in which you wooed Jensen…"

Jared’s mood immediately dropped back down at Jensen's name. His heart clenched and he felt a different sort of pain filling him.

"Sorry man, I didn't mean to-"

"Nah, it’s ok. It just hurts, you know, what I did. Besides, I didn‘t woo him."

"Well, you tried. It’s not your fault that you gave him an allergic reaction to the that freaking pie you made."

"Dude! I didn’t know he was allergic to Kiwi!" Jared said.

"Why don’t you call him?" Chad asked after a while. "All he does is sit, staring at his phone. Just…let him know how you’re doing."

"I’ll think about it. I just don’t know if I can. He shouldn’t have to put up with me, with this. He deserves so much better."

"That may be so, but he’s sticking by you and from what I can see, he’s not going anywhere."

Jared stayed silent for a moment, letting that mull over in his mind. He knew what was stopping him from calling Jensen; he was scared, and he didn’t know how to get past that. What if Jensen didn’t want to know? What if he rejected him? How would he be able to cope if that happened? He knew the answer to that one. He wouldn’t. And he didn’t want to put that on Jensen and make that the only reason why Jensen would stay with him. He didn’t want him to feel obligated, and that’s what it boiled down to.

"I’ll think about it," Jared told Chad eventually, but even he could hear how hollow that sounded.

"Jared…"

"Look, Chad, I don’t expect you to understand, but just give me some time."

Chad sighed on the line and Jared could hear his frustration hidden there. "I don’t know if you have that," he said finally, and Jared couldn’t help but think that maybe he was right.

****

Chad hung up the phone with a sigh. On point of turning around, he jumped, finding Jensen standing behind him, looking utterly shattered.

"Why won’t he call me?"

Before Chad had a chance to answer, Jensen turned and walked away, shoulders slumped in defeat.

Upon seeing Jensen like that, he knew that he had to do something to encourage Jared to call him, otherwise he was afraid what the older man might do. But what could he do? Jared had already explained why he wouldn’t call him and Chad didn’t think he could do anything to change his reasoning.

As he stood and thought about it, coming up with nothing, he decided there was only one person he knew and trusted enough to help him. He needed to talk to Jeff.

******

Today was Jared’s first group therapy session and he was nervous about it. What would they expect him to say? They told him they wouldn’t judge him, but how could they not?

He hadn’t met any of the other residents yet, and he was a little worried about what they would be like and how they would react to him.

Due to his nervousness, he arrived before all the other people, apart from one person, who had been continually staring at him since he sat down. He tried not to look over, but there were only so many places he could look. Finally, exasperated, he looked over at the young woman.

"Can I help you with something?"

The woman continued to look at him for a while, her blue eyes never blinking. "I love your work," she said finally, simply, her voice delicate and light.

Jared opened his mouth to reply and shut it again, not sure what to say. He watched her tuck a stand of her loose, wavy, red hair behind her ear before he answered. "Er, thanks."

"I think it sucked, though, that they used that crappy actress after Katie Cassidy. Ruined the character."

"O…k…"

She suddenly smiled, wide and bright, catching Jared off guard, and he returned it curiously.

"I’m Ashley," she said, reaching a hand out for him to shake. Jared took it and she shook his hand warmly.

"Jared," he replied automatically.

"I know," she said, and he blushed lightly.

"Never thought I would see your type up here," she told him bluntly, her eyes still mostly unblinking.

"Actor or gay?" Jared asked flippantly, not realizing he'd said it until he reheard it in is mind. "I mean…"

"Hey," she said lightly, smiling again. "Don’t sweat it. It’s not as if it’s a massive secret. You‘ve been in movies and everything."

Jared stared at her much like she had been at him and then suddenly started laughing.

"For the record, I did mean actor." She winked at him, and then leant back in her chair, stretching out. "Besides, everyone who has eyes knows you’re gay for the Ackles dude. You do still live with him, after all."

Jared conceded. "That is true. So, um, how come you’re here so early? I thought I would be the only nervous early bird."

"I like this seat," she said by way of explanation.

"It looks like a good seat," Jared agreed, stretching his legs out in front of himself.

"It is. At this time of the afternoon, the sun hits the window just right, straight onto this spot. So, unless you want a cat fight, I suggest you stick to your own chair." She softened the warning with a small twitch of her lips, and Jared knew that he and Ashley were going to get on well. If he was honest with himself, he could do with a friendly face around here, instead of doctors and therapists.

"So, what’re you here for anyway? I’m guessing poppers, maybe cocaine? You Hollywood types seem to always do that shit."

Jared didn’t get a chance to answer because the door opened and in walked who he could only assume was the group therapist. Wire-framed glasses slid down the straight nose of the middle-aged woman, her heart-shaped face framed with peppered hair. She wasn’t unattractive, quite the opposite actually, but she had a stern look on her face that told Jared not to piss her off. She was plump, but not overly so, and she was dressed very well in a black pencil skirt and beep blue blouse, almost satin in appearance, with frills at the collar and cuffs. Jared couldn’t help but admire the way she seemed to hold herself, and not because of the heels she was wearing. No, it was because she seemed to be so full of confidence and grandeur.

"Ashley, I believe those questions should be left for the session, should they not?" The smoke-rough voice was unexpected from the gloss painted lips.

"Sure thing, Rosie."

Jared saw ’Rosie’ roll her eyes, but he also saw the beginning of a smile on her lips.

When she turned to face him, after putting her briefcase down by a chair, he smiled at her, but he felt it fell just shy of confident.

"You must be Jared," she addressed him, her face lighting up. "I’m Doctor Rosalie Fitzgerald, but like Ash here, you can call me Rosie."

Jared nodded not knowing what to say.

"We’ll just wait for the others to come and then we’ll start, ok?"

Again, Jared nodded, but kept his mouth shut.

They didn’t have to wait long before the final few people came in; a young man, younger than Jared-maybe 18 or so, a forty-something woman, another young man-closer to Jared’s age, and an older man. Most definitely a varied group, if appearances were anything to go by. The younger male was dressed casually like Ashley, jeans and t-shirt, but the woman looked like she was dressed in her teenage daughter's clothes, and the older man was dressed in what Jared could only think of as Hells Angels-without the actual leathers.

"Ok, guys," Rosie started. "As I’m sure you can see, we’ve got a newcomer," she turned to Jared. "You want to introduce yourself?"

Jared’s eyes were wide and his palms were sweaty as his heart rate picked up a little. "Er, sure." He looked around at the various faces, but almost immediately looked down. "Hey, I’m, er, Jared."

"You want to tell the room why you’re here, Jared?" Rosie asked gently, and Jared didn’t; he didn't want to tell these people why he was here. But if he wanted to get better, he knew this was one of the steps he was going to have to take.

"I’m here because I have an addiction to alcohol and heroin. It caused me to hurt someone I love and it made me realise that I need help." Jared looked up and was surprised to see the look of understanding on each person’s face.

"We’ve already been introduced," Ashley spoke up, her voice loud in the quiet room. "But I was addicted to crystal meth. I got pregnant, but lost the baby because I was abusing it so much and I wasn’t looking after myself. I ended up in hospital and it was the first time I was sober enough to understand what I was doing to myself and I decided I couldn’t do that anymore."

Jared was speechless. For some reason he didn’t imagine anyone having as bad a story as him to tell, but she had just proved him wrong, so very wrong. "God, I’m sorry."

Ashley shrugged. "I think about it sometimes, but I can’t keep dwelling on it. I’ve got to move forwards, otherwise I’ll never get better."

Rosie nodded and smiled at the younger woman. "That’s right, Ash. You’re a very strong young woman and you have come a long way."

Ashley beamed at her and nodded. "Thanks."

"Ok, so why don’t the rest of you introduce yourselves and tell Jared why you’re here…"

****

It was another two weeks before Jared called Chad again, and Jensen was standing close by. He couldn’t understand why Jared was still refusing to call him. But at least Chad would relay what was happening; that was something at least. It seemed Jared was doing well, even if he didn’t think so himself.

Luckily, or not so luckily, Steve and Chris were turning up within the next day. Jeff had made sure he called them, but he didn’t know what he was going to do when they asked about Jared. It was hard enough trying to hide his emotions with the people that knew, so it was inevitable that they would find out. He could just imagine the reactions of his two best friends.

He supposed he was happy that he was able to see them. It had been an age, and even though he had both Jeff and Chad around him, he was beginning to feel lonely. It didn’t help that the previous night he had been kept up by the sounds of them having sex. He always thought Chad would’ve been the loud one…

He shuddered. That was one disturbing image and he pitied Bissou. No one should be witness to that noise, not even a dog.

At that precise moment, he was standing in the door way of the kitchen, listening to Chad talk to Jared and he just couldn’t take it any more. He marched up behind Chad and snatched the phone away from his ear. Chad turned and stared at him, bewildered, but made no move to take it back.

"Jared?" Jensen breathed into the phone, only to be met with silence. "Jared, please talk to me. I’m going crazy here. Please…I love you…"

"Jensen…"

Jensen felt his throat tighten with emotion at hearing Jared’s voice. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, turning away from Chad. "Yeah, Jay. God, I miss you. Why haven’t you called me?"

"I miss you, too," Jared whispered back. "I’m sorry."

"No Jay, don’t be sorry, I just don’t understand."

"I’m sorry," Jared said again and before Jensen could utter another word, the line went dead.

Jensen’s hand fell away from his ear and he sagged, leaning against the wall. Tears welled and spilled from his eyes, frustration, hurt and longing all battling for dominance. A strangled cry was ripped from his throat and he stood straight, turned and punched the wall as hard as he could.

"Whoa," Chad was suddenly there, taking a hold of his hand, which now throbbed painfully, but it was nowhere near as painful as the hole in his heart. "What’d my wall ever do to you?"

Jensen didn’t acknowledge that Chad had spoken, but allowed himself to be guided to the sink. The cool water splashed across his bloodied knuckles and he sucked in a sharp breath, hissing at the sting.

"He hung up on me."

"I know, man. I’m sorry. I wish I knew what to do to make him see that you’re not going to ditch him."

"He really thinks that?" Jensen asked, turning his attention more to Chad.

"I really hope you haven’t broken anything, and yeah, he thinks that."

"I gotta go see him." Jensen had suddenly come to the conclusion that if he wasn’t going to be able to speak with Jared on the phone, then the only way to do it was to do it face to face.

"It’s not that easy," Chad told him. He pulled Jensen’s hand away from the flowing water and wrapped it in a clean tea-towel. "For one, you need to be invited by him, otherwise you won’t be able to get in."

"Well, there’s got to be some way to get in to see him." Jensen thought for a moment, the cogs in his brain turning fast as he tried to come up with some way to get Jared to see him.

"Well…" Chad started to say, his eyes looking a little shifty.

Jensen looked at Chad, waiting expectantly for him to continue. "Well what?"

"Well, he did say something about sending me an invite to come up and see him…"

Jensen refused to focus on the fact that Jared had invited Chad and not him and thought instead on the idea that was obviously forming in Chad’s mind.

"What if you went instead?"

Jensen looked at him as if he was missing a screw. "In case you haven’t noticed, I hardly look like you…"

"No," Chad rolled his eyes. "I’m not saying go instead of me, come with me. I’ll be able to get him alone, get access and then I’ll slip off the to john or something and call you to let you know where he is. You’ve seen the brochure, they have trails and shit for nature walks for them. Do you see where I’m going with this?"

Jensen nodded. He thought about it and the more he did, the more it seemed like a vaguely good idea. "What if it doesn’t work?" he asked, still slightly unsure.

"It will." Chad promised. _It’s got to._

*****

"So, Jared, you want to accompany me to the meditation room? I fancy getting my yoga on." Ashley walked into Jared’s room uninvited like usual. That should be annoying, but Jared always found himself thankful for the interruption.

"Sure," he said, grinning. "I got an hour before my session with Doctor Sanders."

"Coolio."

They walked outside together, the scent of the spring blossoms hitting Jared’s nose as soon as they got into the fresh air. He had never smelt air so clean before. Even while shooting in Vancouver for _Supernatural_ , there was always the smell of the exhaust from the trucks or the mechanical smell of the equipment. This made him think of his childhood, of the summers he spent with his family on holiday, made him think of his father. Since coming here and starting his therapy sessions, he was able to think of his father and not be overcome with grief. Sure, he felt sad, but he was able to remember him and smile instead of feeling despair sucking him in, much like it had before.

"So, how’s it going with Sanders?" Ashley asked, her face turned up to Jared’s.

"Great, actually. He’s helped me start to talk about my dad without falling apart, so that’s good, right?"

"Yeah, Jared. That’s real good," Ashley smiled at him.

"How about you? You’re almost done, aren’t you?"

"Yep, another week for me and then I’m free." Ashley sighed, sounding a little sad and Jared looked curiously at her. "We’ve been talking about what I’m going to do once I leave. He’s helping me set up a job and an apartment in Seattle."

"But I thought you were from Chicago?" Jared asked confused.

"Yeah, but that’s where my past is. Sanders and I both agree that it wouldn’t be healthy for me to go back to the city where I was trying to destroy myself, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah," Jared said, thinking about his growing desire to never return to L.A. and the life he knew there. "You going to continue therapy?"

"Yep," Ashley grinned. "There is no way I want to go back to what I was, and he’s putting me in touch with a colleague of his, so it’s all good."

Jared felt pleased for Ashley, but was also reminded of how he had yet to sort out things in his own life, namely Jensen. Why was he still so scared to talk to him?

As if reading his mind, Ashley asked, "Have you called Jensen yet?"

Jared solemnly shook his head. "No. I don’t know what to do. I want to call him…I miss him so much, but I hurt him so bad and I’m scared."

Ashley took his hand and squeezed it gently. She was the only one Jared had told about what he had done, not feeling comfortable enough with any others. "I know, but I think you’d be pleasantly surprised. He obviously still cares, otherwise he wouldn’t have taken the phone from your friend to try and talk to you."

Jared didn’t have anything to say to that, so instead he just kept a hold of her hand and continued towards the meditation room.

*****

So a plan was put into action. Chad and Jensen packed and left for Vancouver, leaving Jeff with the honour of entertaining Chris and Steve, as Jensen forgot to call them. It took a couple of days preparation, but they were finally on their way and Jensen couldn’t have been more nervous if he tried. The plan was for Jensen to come with Chad to the recovery centre and to wait in the truck until Chad called him. Thankfully it had blacked-out windows so Jensen didn’t have to hide or do anything too stupid.

Chad went to go see Jared while Jensen was left waiting, his stomach turning nervously in anticipation.

*****


	4. Four

Jared was waiting for Chad in the lobby and wasn’t there long before his friend came in, all big smiles and open arms.

"Jay!" Chad called, and Jared couldn’t help grinning and rushing over to greet him. He was swept into a hug and he held on tightly, comfort and familiarity flooding through him.

"Dude, it’s good to see you," Chad said as he pulled back, looking up and smiling at his friend. "God, and you look so much healthier! Fuck, Jay, look at you."

Jared blushed and looked down. It was true, he did look at lot better. He had gained some weight and he was making use of the gym they had there, getting some of his muscles back. His skin looked healthy and his hair was no longer lank and limp. Even he had to admit that he looked like a different person. "Thanks, man."

"It’s good to see," Chad admitted. "Jen’ll be proud of you." .

"C’mon, I’ll show you around."

Chad mentally hit Jared when he changed the subject. It was beginning to get frustrating. Hopefully, by the end of the day, Jared would see just how much Jensen cared and how much they needed each other, even after all the shit they’d been through.

Chad nodded and followed him, all the while thinking about Jensen waiting anxiously back in the truck. This had better work, otherwise he had a feeling that he would have to pick up the broken pieces of both his friends.

****

"You know, Jay, this place is actually pretty cool for a rehab clinic," Chad said conversationally as they sat at the end of the dock that went a few feet out in the small lake that the recovery centre was situated near.

Jared laughed a little. "Thanks, I think."

"No, I mean, I thought it was going to be sort of an enclosed compound where you couldn’t do anything outside. There’s a pool, walking trails, a freaking lake; it’s really quite awesome."

"You suddenly thinking of becoming an addict now?"

"Thinking about it," Chad smirked, glancing over at Jared.

"You’re an idiot," Jared said fondly, tipping his head back and closing his eyes, absorbing the heat of the sun.

Chad grinned but said nothing. He looked at Jared and then glanced at his watch, noticing he had been close to two hours. Jensen was probably going crazy. "Man, I need to piss," he groaned, hauling himself up to his feet. "I’ll be right back, ok?"

Jared just grunted his assent, not bothering to open his eyes.

Chad made it off the dock as casually as he could, then sprinted as fast as he could back to the truck. It took him a minute or two to get back. He pulled open the door, ducking his head in to see Jensen sprawled out in the back seat, his fingers twitching nervously.

"It’s a go," Chad told him panting. "He’s alone on the dock, and it’s far enough away from the main building that no one will see you."

Jensen sat up and climbed back over the seats, pushing Chad out of the way so he could get out of the truck. He stood, smoothing down his shirt and running a hand through his hair, his whole body thrumming with nervous tension.

"C’mon," Chad urged him, pulling on Jensen’s arm. "He's gonna get suspicious if I’m gone for much longer."

Jensen took a deep breath and nodded. "Ok. Let’s do this."

Chad guided him back to where he had left Jared, avoiding anywhere someone might see them. He wondered whether it was normal to feel this apprehensive for his friends.

Just as they broke through a clearing, the dock coming into view, Chad stopped. "I’ll wait here, keep lookout or whatever. Now, your sole purpose is to go see your man and fix it, ok? Just…try."

Jensen gave a shaky smile and nodded. He took another deep breath, squared his shoulders and started walking.

Chad watched him go, silently chanting to himself. _Please work, please work, please work…_

*****

Jared grinned as a shadow fell over his face. He was now flat on his back, legs hanging off the edge of the wooden dock, hands folded across his stomach and his eyes closed. "I was beginning to think you’d fallen in," he laughed, opening his eyes and looking up. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the light, but when they did, he felt his heart stutter and almost stop. "Jen?"

Jensen was there, looking down at him. Jensen was there…Jensen was _there…_

Jared got up, almost falling over his own feet as they got caught underneath him, but Jensen was there, catching him before could fall face first into the cold lake water. Jared corrected himself and pulled away from Jensen, not missing the hurt look that was suddenly on his face. "What’re you doing here?" He hoped that he didn’t sound as confused as he felt.

"I had to see you," Jensen answered, eyes boring into Jared’s. "You wouldn’t talk to me and I was going out of my mind. I had to see you."

"Why? Why, after everything I’ve done…" Jared stared at Jensen, uncomprehending. "No, no, you shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve you…" Jared started walking away, brushing past Jensen as he went. But he didn’t make it more than two steps before he was pulled from behind and forced to turn around. He was met with a furious Jensen, and yes: this is what he deserved. He deserved to be hated, to be loathed and hit.

"You can’t keep ignoring me, Jay. I’m not going anywhere and you gotta understand that. It hurts, you pushing me away, it hurts, but I’m not giving up on you. I‘ve missed you and I love you so much, I‘m not just going to walk away from you."

"But you should!" Jared cried, his eyes wild. He felt desperate, desperate to be rejected; and yet, he didn’t want to be. God, he was so confused. "You should go away and just leave me to what I’ve created for myself. Just go, Jensen. Please."

"No!" Jensen cried, his eyes filling with moisture. "You don't get to just send me away! After everything you have put me through, after leaving me to come to my own conclusions as to why you won't talk to me...no, you don't get to do this!" He grabbed a hold of Jared, who in turn struggled trying to push him away. Jensen folded his arm around him as the younger man continued to struggle. "No, Jared, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you, I'm not leaving..."

Jared continued to struggle, trying to wriggle away, trying not to hear what Jensen was saying. He didn't deserve this. "No..." he whined painfully, the sound caught in his throat.

"Shhh," Jensen soothed, still holding him tight. "I've got you, I've got you..."

Jared's struggling stopped abruptly and he sagged down into Jensen embrace, face pressing into his neck as he wept. His fingers sought out the fabric of Jensen’s shirt and clutched onto it, needing to hold on to him.

"How can you even look at me?" Jared croaked, his voice raw with emotion.

"Jared, you're sick. Alcoholism and drug addiction is an illness - I wouldn't leave you if you had cancer - why would I leave you now?" Jensen ran his hand up and down Jared’s back, soothing him, his other hand running his fingers through his lover’s unruly, chocolate locks.

They stood that way, minutes blurring together, just holding each other, drawing strength and sharing pain. Eventually Jared started to pull away, unwinding his fingers from Jensen's shirt and moving so that he could see his face. "I think we should talk," he said finally, eyes searching Jensen’s face for any sign of unease. But he found none. Instead, Jensen smiled, wide and bright, nodding his head in agreement.

"I think that’s a good idea."

"Walk with me?" Jared held out his hand for Jensen and the older man took it, squeezing his gently.

"Sure."

Jared led them through the small area of woodland that was part of the clinic’s outdoor programme; they followed the path and then, just as they were reaching the summit of a particularly steep part, Jared took them off the path and through the undergrowth.

Jensen was about to ask him where he was taking them, but they suddenly broke through the bushes and into and a small clearing overlooking the lake. It was breathtaking.

"I found this place the second time I came up here," Jared told him as they came to stop, looking out at the view and taking in the clean air. "I wasn’t looking where I was going and I kinda wandered off the path." Jared blushed at the knowing look on Jensen’s face.

"That sounds about right," Jensen smiled. He followed suit when Jared sat down, his legs stretching out in front of him. They didn’t let go of each other's hands, and they continued to sit, just revelling in the silence, content to just be sitting next to each other after so long.

"You’re looking better," Jensen spoke up, breaking the quiet of the moment.

"I’ve put on 10lbs since I’ve been here. Plus, I’ve been working out. We kinda have to make our own fun here…no technology allowed. Well, actually there‘s only one television and only gets like four channels. And we‘re only allowed half an hour there a day, so…"

"Well, it must be working for you, because you look really good." Jensen looked down and nervously played with Jared’s fingers. He had missed the feel of those long digits against his own.

"Thanks."

Silence closed in again. It was almost as if they were two people who had just met and where on their first date, trying to figure what to do or say, neither one willing to make the first move.

"How is everything else here?" Jensen finally asked, needing to know.

"Good…it’s really good. The therapy has helped me start dealing with things. It’s weird because I can actually think about my dad without freaking out, and I’ve met some people here who understand. This one girl, Ashley, she’s really awesome. She’s kinda latched onto me, and it’s cool because I can talk to her and she gets it, you know? She’s had her own stuff to deal with, so I help her out whenever I can as well. It’s a pretty even trade off where that’s concerned."

"That’s good. I’m pleased you’ve met people you can talk to." Jensen idly wondered whether Jared had spoken about him and what had happened.

"We talk about you, too," Jared said gently, looking over at Jensen. "She calls you Cutie-McPretty. I told her you’d blush if you knew that." Jared laughed as Jensen’s cheeks were, in fact, suddenly infused with blood.

"Bite me," Jensen grouched, but he was unable to suppress the smiled that was making his lips twitch.

Jared ignored the comment in favour of continuing on. "The therapists here are really good, and I’m on the methadone programme. It helps me cope with the withdrawal from the, er, heroin. Stops me shaking so much, helps me be able to sleep…"

"Jay," Jensen breathed, moving around so he could see Jared better. He lifted his free hand to cup the side of Jared’s face, and he felt grateful that Jared was able to take comfort from the gesture, pressing his face into his palm and closing his eyes.

"It’s ok. I’m going to be ok," Jared said, his voice as low as Jensen’s. He opened his eyes suddenly, the hazel of his irises shining brightly. "Will we be ok, too?"

Jensen swallowed and nodded. "Yes," he said with conviction. "We will be ok. We’re going to work through everything and we will be ok." And he believed it.

"We will," Jared agreed. His own hand came up and mimicked Jensen’s, and Jensen couldn’t help but fall into the warmth that flooded him. He let himself be pulled forward until he and Jared were sharing the same breath, neither being the first to move that inch further.

Jensen could feel Jared’s stuttering breaths on his lips and couldn’t hold back any longer. He pressed his lips gently against Jared’s, and held still, unsure if he had gone too far. He was about to pull away, but then Jared’s hand slipped from his face and round to the back of his head, his fingers curling into the short hair they found there.

He gasped, the feel of Jared’s lips pressed against his tenderly, after _months_ of harsh, brutal kisses that were mainly teeth, sending electricity down to his toes. His forehead creased with the intensity of the action, and he gasped when Jared’s fingers tightened in his hair.

"Jared," he breathed, moving so that he could push Jared on to his back. "God, I’ve missed you so much. Love you."

"I love you, too, Jensen. I’m so sorry."

"Shhh, it’s ok. I’ve got you now, it’s all going to be ok." Jensen fused his mouth back onto Jared’s crawling on top of him, mindful not to press his full weight down. But Jared had other ideas, and Jensen’s body was soon flush against his.

They were kissing like they were starving, the ravenous movements of there lips were mirrored in the slip-slide of their hips. Jensen groaned and held on tighter, his hands cradling Jared’s head. In the back of his mind there was the nagging feeling that this was too much too soon, but his actions were the more dominant feature here.

It wasn’t until Jared was pushing him away, not lightly, but almost panicked, that he finally listened to what his brain was saying and scrambled off the prone man.

"I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…" Jensen started to say, but shut up when Jared looked up with such a pain filled face, his words died in his throat.

"I can’t," Jared was saying, shaking his head. "I’m sorry, I can’t. I can’t."

"Can’t what, Jay?" Jensen inquired gently, even though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

"I can’t hurt you again. I’ve messed up so bad, and I’m so afraid that if I get to touch you, I’ll lose control and hurt you again." Jared looked so anguished that Jensen’s heart broke.

"You won’t hurt me again, Jared. I know you won’t."

"But you don’t know!" Jared suddenly shouted, standing up. "How can you know?"

"I know because I know you," Jensen told him, and he put as much belief behind those words as he could, because he really did believe that. "That night wasn’t you, Jared. You haven’t been you for months now. And this, this person in front of me _is_ you. A broken you, yes, but it’s still you. And you’re mending. I can see that. But I agree, that was too soon and we need to work on a lot of things before we should even contemplate doing that. Jared," Jensen slowly stood and approached Jared, but didn’t dare touch him in case he fled. "Please understand what I’m saying."

Jared’s shoulders sagged and he took in everything Jensen said. "I do. I’m sorry, I just freaked out for a moment." He laughed humourlessly, his hand rubbing at the back of his neck, a move he only did when he was embarrassed.

"No need to apologise," Jensen said. "It’s a good thing you did."

"Can we just sit down again?" Jared asked, looking hopeful. "I know you probably gotta go soon, but can we sit?"

Jensen didn’t answer, just sat down and pulled Jared with him, this time sitting across from each other.

"Have you thought about what you’re going to do once you can leave?"

"Actually, I have," Jared admitted. He took a deep breath before talking again. "Don’t get mad, ok? But I’ve decided I’m not going back to L.A. That life, it’s not for me anymore. I love acting, but it’s not a part of me like it was before. I’m going to take some time once I get out of here to clear my head and think things over, and I know it’s a lot to ask, but I need to do it alone. Can you - will you wait for me?"

"I’ll wait as long as I have to," Jensen smiled back at Jared who was grinning softly at him. "So, do you know what you want to do?"

Jared shook his head. "No, I don’t know yet. I just want to be normal, have a normal life and not have it splashed across the tabloids anymore. That’s not who I am. But I understand if you don’t want to leave acting behind. I know how important it is for you, but it’s just time for me to get out."

"I’ll support you with anything you want to do, and until you’re ready, I’ll stay with Chad and Jeff."

"Are you sure?" Jared asked hesitantly. "I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to. I mean, I understand if-"

"Jared," Jensen interrupted him. "I’m sure."

The smile on Jared’s face was like the rising sun, and Jensen almost started crying after not having seen it for so long. His reply was simple: "Thank you."

******

Eventually it was time for Jensen to leave, and Jared walked with him back to Chad’s truck. They held hands on the way down, and when they arrived, Jared was surprised to see Chad there talking to Ashley.

Ashley looked up when she heard them coming and smiled. "I saw this guy wandering around and figured he was a friend of yours."

Jared smiled. "Yep. That there is my best friend. And this," Jared said, pulling Jensen forward, "is Jensen. Jen, this is Ashley, who I was telling you about."

"You’ve been talking about me?" Ashley grinned. "Coolio. And it’s nice to meet ya, Jensen."

"You too," Jensen replied, shaking the offered hand. He could see why Jared liked this girl already. Her smile was infectious.

"Well, don’t let me keep ya. It was nice to meet you guys, and Jared, I'll meet you in the dining room." With a little wave Ashley was walking away, heading to the main building.

"So, you guys sort things out?" Chad asked as he unlocked his truck. He looked at them expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"For the most part," Jensen told him. "We still have things to work out, but we’re going to be ok."

"And you’re going to call him, yes?" Chad asked. "Because that was way shitty. It was like looking after a kicked puppy."

Jared had the decency to look chagrined. "Yes, I’m going to call. I’m not doing that again."

"Good," Chad said. He came over to Jared and gave him a hug. "I’m proud of ya, man," he said so that only Jared could hear. "I’ll see you soon." He gave Jared a last pat on the back and then went and slid into the driver’s seat.

"So, I’ll talk to you tomorrow?" Jensen asked, a little apprehensive. His worry must have shown in his tone because Jared was suddenly pulling him in close and reassuring him.

"Yes, I’ll call. I promise. I love you."

"I love you, too," Jensen responded. He pulled back and looked up at Jared, a question in his eyes. Jared smiled gently, then leaned in to kiss him. It was tender and loving and exactly what they both needed right then. "Bye," Jensen whispered softly as he pulled away.

"Bye," Jared responded. Jensen got into the passenger side and waved to Jared as the truck pulled away.

Jared stood there watching the truck until it disappeared around the corner, his heart and soul feeling lighter than they had in months.

*****

Chad pulled the truck onto the street where he and Jeff lived and groaned. "Oh for fuck's sake!"

Jensen looked up from where he was playing with his cell and rolled his eyes in frustration at what he saw. _Fucking great._ Outside Jeff and Chad’s apartment building was a horde of paparazzi, most with cameras and microphones. He should’ve known that this would be leaked, but he had been hoping against hope that they wouldn’t catch wind of it.

"How the hell do they know?" Chad grumbled as he pulled up and parked the truck.

"It’s Hollywood. You can’t keep _shit_ secret." Jensen wished all of a sudden that he wasn’t famous, that he and Jared had normal lives and didn’t have to deal with things like this if something went wrong in their lives. It was private and he hated that these _vultures_ made it public. Perhaps this would help his decision in terms of the rest of his life.

"We’re not going to be able to get around them," Chad noted. "Fuck. Do you want to turn around and go somewhere else?"

Jensen sighed and shook his head. There was no point. They’d have to come back sometime. "No. C’mon, let’s just deal with it." Jensen pushed his door open before he could rethink his actions and got out of the truck. Chad followed suit a moment later, praying that they could get inside as soon as possible.

They had barely made it two steps when their names were called and they were suddenly surrounded by people acting like ravenous dogs, each trying to get the first bite.

"Jensen, can you tell me why Jared is in rehab?"

"How bad is his drug problem?"

"Chad, can you tell me how long this had been going on?"

Throughout the spiel of rapid questions, Jensen and Chad both answered with _no comment_. They waded through most of crowd, almost at the door, when another question was asked.

"Is Jared a danger to himself? Is he a danger to you?"

Jensen stopped walking and slowly turned around, his eyes as cold and hard as flint. He looked at the reporter for just a second, then spoke. "You want an answer? Well I got one: fuck you."

There was stunned silence and then the noise picked up again, but Jensen barely had time to hear it because Jeff was suddenly there, hauling them both inside, and slamming the door with a resounding ‘thunk’ behind them.

"Fucking assholes," Chad vented as they made their way up to the apartment. Jeff had his arm draped around his waist as they walked, obviously needing the connection. "How is it they know how to ruin a perfectly good day?"

Jensen didn’t say anything, too busy fuming over the question about Jared being a danger to him or himself. Goddamn pricks. This, this part of being famous, he hated.

When they got into the apartment, Jensen went to the fridge and pulled out three beers and handed one to both Chad and Jeff. He took a long pull before he went into the lounge and just sank down onto the couch, suddenly feeling bone weary.

"So," Jeff started as he followed Jensen. "Everything else go ok? I mean, did you and Jared get to talk?"

Jensen picked at the bottle label and nodded. "Yeah," he sighed. "I think we’re gonna be ok."

"That’s good, Jen. That’s real good."

"I know, but then these fuckers are gonna broadcast all this across tv…he’s not going to be able to get away from it." Jensen looked up at Jeff, his eyes worried. "How is he going to react to this?"

Jeff shrugged, shaking his head. "I honestly don’t know. But come on, he must know that this was to be expected. He’s one of the hottest actors out there right now and they’re going to want to splash anything they can get their hands on, good or bad."

"I know, you’re right. I just really hope he doesn't hear that goddamn question. Fuck!" Jensen’s head fell back against the couch and closed his eyes. He could already feel a stress headache forming and his contacts weren’t helping.

Jensen heard rather than saw Chad come into the room and he opened his eyes slightly just to see his two friends share a kiss. "Ugh, you know what? I think I’m going to head to bed. I’ve had enough excitement for one day."

"G’night," Chad mumbled against Jeff’s lips.

Jensen absently waved at them, but he could see that they were otherwise occupied. He really hoped they kept it down tonight.

*****

It was the morning after Jensen’s visit and Jared was feeling great. Fantastic, even. He had slept well for the first time since he had arrived and he was smiling and talking more. Doctor Sanders said it was good to see.

It was mid afternoon when Jared made it into the recreation room, as they liked to call it, where the one sole television was. They were each allowed half an hour to watch something. There were only the basic channels, so it was either news, news, or more news. Good thing that Jared liked to keep up with current affairs.

The television clicked on and he settled down to watch the headlines. He wasn’t watching for more than ten minutes when the entertainment news came on and his face was splashed across the screen. He sat up a little straighter when the picture switched to video footage of…wait, was that Chad and Jensen?

"When asked of Jared Padalecki’s drug problem, both close friends Jensen Ackles and Chad Michael Murray replied ’no comment’. But the scene turned sour as Jensen Ackles, when asked by a journalist if Jared was a danger to himself or his friends, directed profanities at him. Jensen Ackles is known for being always polite to the press, so the question that begs to be asked is did this hit a nerve? And if so, is there a dark answer behind this seemingly harmless question?"

*****

"Oh man!" Chad cried at the television. He turned around in his seat to look at Jeff. "Are you hearing this shit? Dark answer? What is the bitch on? Christ, this makes me so mad! They have no idea what he fuck they are talking about!"

"You’re right, they don’t," Jensen said as he came in, sleep rumpled from his nap. The headache from yesterday hadn’t gone anywhere and it didn’t look like it was about to. "But it’s not so far fetched, is it?"

"No, but Jen, they can’t just go round saying shit like this. I mean, if he sees this…" As if on queue Jensen’s phone started ringing.

He pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Hello?"

"Hey." It was Jared, and he sounded a little off.

"Hey," Jensen repeated softly. "You okay?"

"Not really," came the reply and Jensen’s shoulders sagged. Fuck. He’d seen the news.

"Jay, they don’t know anything, ok? This is all speculation. Hell, it’s not even that. It’s just stupid gossip."

"But it’s true, though," Jared whispered. "I am a danger."

Jensen shook his head even though Jared couldn’t see him. "You listen to me and you listen to me good. You. Are. Not. A. Danger. I’ve already told you, that wasn’t you and I _refuse_ to admit that it was."

"But I-I rap…"

"Don’t say it," Jensen stopped him, not wanting to hear it come from Jared’s mouth. "It’s in the past and we’re dealing with it. I don’t want you to worry about that any more. I know you feel guilty, but I-I forgive you, Jared. I forgive you." It had taken weeks of not having any contact with Jared to make him realise that he did forgive him. Most people would say he was crazy or too trusting, but he knew Jared, better than he knew himself, and not being able to even _speak_ to him had driven him crazy.

Jared let out a strangled sob across the line, causing Jensen’s own eyes to tear. "Jen, you can’t…I can’t…"

"It may sound too soon, baby, but I love you and I forgive you. I need you."

"I need you, too, Jen. Need you so much…love you." Jared sniffled a few times and cleared his throat before he spoke again. "What are we going to do about the press?"

"I don’t know," Jensen answered honestly. He walked over the large windows and looked outside, down at the front of the building. "There’s still a few camped out here, but it’s nothing like I haven’t seen before."

"It’s none of their business," Jared growled. "They shouldn’t be targeting you for a story."

"Tell them that," Jensen muttered walking away from the window. "I don’t think they care who they hound or hurt as long as they get their story. Goddamn bottom feeders."

Jared chuckled. "I love you all snarky. It’s cute."

"I am anything but cute, ass."

"Oh, right. Cutie-McPretty, remember?"

Jensen could feel the warm rush of blood start to stain his cheeks even though Jared wasn’t there to see him. "Shut up."

"Jen, I gotta go," Jared said after a second. "I got my afternoon group session and then I’m going to go work out for a bit."

"Ok, Jay. I’ll speak to you soon?"

"Yeah," Jared promised. "I love you. And don’t hit anyone, ok? We don’t need a law suit for you breaking a bottom feeder's face after all this shit."

"I can’t promise anything. Take care, okay?"

"I will. Bye."

"Bye." Jensen hung up and dropped his phone onto the arm of the sofa. "I think he’s freaking out."

"He’ll be ok," Jeff said knowingly. "I think what you said to him has probably helped dull a lot of his fears."

"What I said?" Jensen asked confused.

"Yes. You forgave him. I’m willing to bet that that has gone a long way in reducing his worries right now." Jeff stood and walked over to the younger man and patted him on the shoulder. "I’m proud of you. It must’ve been hard to get there and see past the act, but I’m so proud, Jensen."

Jensen didn’t know what to say. So instead he just stood there, with his head held high, feeling like things were going to finally start to straighten out.

****

"I can’t believe you’re leaving," Jared said as he hugged Ashley tight. His only real friend in this place was getting out, and while he was pleased for her, he couldn’t help but feel sad.

"I know," Ashley returned the hug, blinking as her eyes started to water. "But, hey, you’ll be out soon and you better let me come visit you once you’re all settled in and stuff."

"Ash, you have an open invitation for whenever you like." Jared pulled away and helped lift her last bag into the taxi. "You take care of you, ok?"

"And you do the same. Don’t dwell on the bad things, just look to the future and you’ll be ok."

"I love how you sound so certain." Jared scuffed his feet, jamming his hands into his jean pockets. The breeze picked up a little, causing his unruly hair to ruffle gently.

"That’s because I am and I have complete faith in you. Hell, if I can do it, then I know for sure that you can, too."

As Jared waved to her, watching the taxi leave, he mentally prepared himself for the end of his stay and the beginning of his new life.

*****

Jensen dashed to the phone, hearing it while he was in the shower, and picked it up just before Jared hung up.

"Hey, you ok?" Jared greeted. "You sound out of breath."

"Yeah, sorry. I was in the shower and had to run to pick up." Jared was silent on the other end and Jensen wondered if the line had been dropped. "Jared, you still there?"

"Er, yeah. Sorry."

"Are you ok?" Jensen asked slowly, wondering what had come over his lover.

"Yeah, sorry." Jensen could almost hear him shaking his head. "I'm ok - I just miss you. Your body. And thinking about you standing there, wet with just a towel around you - "

 

Jensen chuckled into the phone. "Too bad your phone is in an open area, and for the record, I don't have a towel around me..."

 

Jared groaned into the phone, and Jensen smirked. "You are evil."

It was easy flirting with Jared, safe. To Jensen, it was second nature and to be perfectly honest, he missed it. He missed the easiness that they'd had at the beginning of their relationship, but he could feel it coming back with every step they took towards making things right.

"That I may be, but you love me anyway."

"Yeah," Jared said softly, "I do."

"So, wanna hear something disturbing?" Jensen asked walking slowly into the room he was staying in.

"Well, I don’t know. Is it really gross?"

"Kinda. I walked in on Jeff and Chad having sex last night."

"…"

"And they didn’t even notice me, just kept going at it."

"That. Is. Disgusting." Jared choked out. Jensen could just see his face pinched and the full-body shudder shaking him as he pictured it. Hell, if Jensen had to see it, then that’s the least Jared could do.

"You got that right. You know, I never pictured Chad being the legs-in-the-air kinda guy," Jensen continued, enjoying the torture he was bestowing on the other man.

"Ok, enough, please. That is seriously gonna give me nightmares tonight."

"Mission accomplished," Jensen laughed before sobering. "So, did Ashley get away okay?"

Jared sighed into the phone. "Yeah. It’s gonna suck here without her. She was so cool and so down to earth. If she thought I was being an idiot, then she’d tell me. It’s just…I can’t wait to get out of here. I need to be normal again."

"Not long now, Jay. Have you decided what you want to do? You know, where you‘re going to stay?" Jensen starting biting on his thumbnail, a habit he had picked up when he became nervous.

"Actually, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay here in Vancouver. I don’t think I’m ready to go back to the States just yet. Damn media attention."

Jensen could hear the frustration in Jared’s voice and could sympathise with him. The paparazzi weren’t hanging around as much, but they would still jump out at him and ask him unnecessary and intrusive questions, which he always replied to in the same manor: a cursory _no comment_. "Where are you gonna stay?"

"Back at the old house."

The old house, the house they shared when filming _Supernatural_ , the house Jared couldn’t bear to sell because of all the memories and emotional connections. The house had been home to a lot of firsts. "Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want you to be, I don’t know, lonely up there."

"I’ll be fine. I need the familiarity. Nothing bad happened in that house and I think I need that."

Jensen could understand that if nothing else. He could understand exactly what Jared was doing and why. But now he needed to make his own choices.

*****


	5. Five

"You’ve come a long way, Jared," Doctor Sanders said to him, smiling. They were in his office, and it was Jared‘s last therapy session before he was due to leave the following day. Jared sat across from him and couldn‘t help feeling proud of himself, that he had come out the other side. "You’ve been clean for six weeks and you are now at the end of your rehabilitation programme…you have definitely proven yourself capable of dealing with your emotions without looking for someway to block them out."

"I don’t know how to thank you, Andy," Jared almost gushed. "If it wasn’t for this place I don’t know where or what I would be doing right now."

"The first step came from you, Jared, and that’s all it took to get the ball rolling. Now, before you go, I want to give you some advice."

Jared nodded and waited for Doctor Sanders to continue.

"I want you to find something, anything at all, as a way of expressing yourself so your emotions don’t get trapped inside. I want it to help you through the ups and downs, to remind you of how far you have come, okay?"

"Yeah, definitely. That’s a really good idea. I’ll give it some thought and see what I come up with."

"That’s all I can ask." Doctor Sanders looked at his clock on the desk and smiled. "Well, Jared, this is it. Time's up."

Jared took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He stood and reached out to shake Doctor Sanders' hand who reciprocated heartily. "Thank you for everything. I really mean that."

"No problem, Jared. That’s what we’re here for. Now, you take care, ok? And if you ever need anything, someone to talk to if things are getting too tough, you have my number."

Jared nodded and released his hand. "Yep. Thank you." And he meant it with every fibre of his being.

*****

"Now, are you sure you don’t want me to come pick you up?" Chad was saying into the phone as Jensen was on his own phone, making arrangements for his mother to ship Jared some of his things from their L.A. home. He owed her big time for this, but he didn’t feel right asking Jared’s mom or going back there himself.

He knew Chad was on the phone with Jared, but he wasn’t bothered by it because he had already spoken to him, whispering words of love and encouragement. He let Jared know he was ok with what was happening, reassured him that he understood it could take a while for Jared to be in a place where they could be together again, properly. They had promised to talk as often as possible, and unbeknownst to Jared, Jensen had made his own plans, cancelled all his obligations in L.A, broken ties with companies and his agent. Just as Jared, he was cutting all ties with Hollywood and starting again. It hadn’t taken him long to come to the decision, but he wanted it to remain a surprise for the younger man.

That was another reason why Donna had been summoned to L.A. She had enlisted the help of Jensen’s sister, McKenzie, and were emptying the apartment of anything they thought they may want and ditching the rest. They were starting afresh.

"Jensen, are you listening to me?" Donna spoke in Jensen’s ear. He shook himself out of his thoughts and forcibly paid more attention to his mother.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

Donna sighed and he grimaced. "There are some things here I’ve found I’m going to keep back at the house for you, ok? Things from _Supernatural,_ et cetera. Now, what do you want us to do with all these scripts?"

"Throw them out. The lot of them."

"Baby," Donna said gently. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Jared is what I want and I don’t want this life anymore. I want to be mundane, have a boring job as long as I have Jared. He makes my life worth living, not my job."

"Jensen," Donna said gently. "I’m so proud of you."

"Um, thank you?" Jensen didn’t mean to pose that as a question, but he was a little caught off guard. He didn’t think for the life of him that his mother would be okay with him giving up his career. She had always pushed him, not in the bad way, but in the encouraging ‘I want what you want’ kind of way.

"You’re a terrific actor, but I worry about you; about you both. Now we have seen what this lifestyle can bring with it," she didn’t have to say it, but she knew he was talking about Jared, "and I can’t help but want you out and away from that. You both deserve so much more."

"Thank you, momma." There was no question this time. He honestly felt like he was doing the right thing.

****

Jared was surprised that leaving the rehab clinic was far harder and more emotional than he expected. He was leaving the comfort of knowing he couldn’t be tempted with alcohol or drugs and it was finally hitting him that, if he wanted to, he could easily get those things.

He had phoned Ashley the night before, freaking out, but she had talked him through it, calming him down. It was easier thinking about it knowing that Ashley was still doing good, even though she hated her job.

Doctor Sanders and Rosalie had both wished him well and reminded him again that they were there if he needed anything. Some of the other people he had become friends with did the same, but it only lasted a few minutes and then he was leaving.

Now here he was, standing on the porch of a house that had once been his home. It was strange being back, but it felt good; like a fresh start.

Jared took the key out of his pocket and slid it into the lock. The door opened with a familiar squeak and Jared abruptly had the sense of coming home. The only thing missing was Jensen. But he wouldn’t dwell on that for the moment.

He dragged his bags inside and closed the door behind him. The furniture was covered in dust sheets and he set about pulling them off. As he went from room to room, he was struck by good memories that concerned Jensen and himself, as well as their friends. The flashes of memories made him smile, grimace and blush. Some of the things they had done…he shook his head, smiling to himself and finished with the task at hand. The next job was food. Takeout.

An hour or so later, Jared was reclining on the sofa, phone pressed to his ear as he spoke to Jensen. At least if Jensen wasn’t with him he was still able to talk to him.

"It’s so weird being here," Jared was saying, his eyes roaming around the quiet room.

"Good weird?" Jensen asked.

"Yeah," Jared chuckled. "Good weird. That stain is _still_ on the carpet from where Mike puked up all those Purple Nurples."

"Ewww," Jensen groaned, laughing. "That was so gross. I almost puked with him at the sight!"

"You’re not the only one."

"Oh, I spoke to my mom today," Jensen started saying, changing the subject. "She’s sent your things, just clothes and stuff, and you should get them in a few days. I don’t think she sent anything else…"

"No, that’s great. Tell her thanks for me."

"Have you spoken to your mom yet?" Jensen inquired, not sure if he should or not.

"No," Jared admitted. "Not yet. I don’t know if I should. She probably doesn’t want to talk to me. But I have been thinking about going down there…seeing them…visiting my dad."

Jensen gasped in surprise. "You need me to come with you?"

Jared was quiet for a second. "No…I think I should do it by myself this first time. I need to apologise to him."

Jensen didn’t want to admit that he was a little hurt by that, but he couldn’t help feel his heart clench just that tiny bit. "Okay, well, you know where I’ll be."

"Thanks, baby."

"I’ve missed that," Jensen admitted before he could stop himself. He closed his eyes in frustration, feeling thankful that Jared wasn’t there to see the red flood though his cheeks and down his neck.

"Missed what?" Jared asked confused. He shifted slightly on the sofa, changing his phone to the other ear.

"Missed you calling me ‘baby’," Jensen forced out. May as well get it out there.

"Really?" Jared smiled, the sound of it in his voice.

"Can we just change the subject?"

"Awww, you don’t need to be embarrassed…baby."

"Ass."

"You love me."

"I do. God help me, but I do."

****

It was three weeks into Jared’s time alone and he had done a lot of soul searching. Nothing more than he had already decided, but he had reaffirmed a lot of those decisions. Things did get hard for a few days back in the beginning, but he called Jensen and he had helped him through it. It was just after he had gone back to Texas to see his momma and to visit his father’s grave for the first time since he had died. He was so afraid that his dad would feel disappointed in him, but when he got there and started talking, apologising, he felt the biggest sense of calm wash over him, and he knew, just knew deep in his gut, that his dad forgave him.

He went home a couple of hours later to his momma and cried with her, mourning for his dad, but also in relief that he was finally coming back to the person he was.

The media hounded him, but eventually, a bigger news story broke and he was yesterday's news. He knew that it wasn’t over, but with time, he knew the media attention would lessen. He hoped that Jensen wasn’t being pestered. It worried him sometimes, but Jensen said he was ok, and Jared could do nothing but believe him.

One of the hardest parts of those first three weeks was cutting ties with Hollywood. He let his closest friends know, i.e., Mike and Tom, but when it came to his agent and the studios, he told them he needed a lifestyle change and left it at that. It was hard to sever the line, but once he had done it, he felt like it was a positive step forward.

It was now that Jared was able to take a step back and take Doctor Sanders' advice. He sat down for hours, trying to relax and do something. He thought writing in a journal would help, but instead of writing, he started doodling. What was supposed to be a journal became pages upon pages of art. It was shocking to see that he was actually _good_.

He sat there, just documenting his feelings in drawings, from the aftermath of what he had done to Jensen, to the day he knew Jensen still loved him, to the day he visited his dad’s grave.

But there was something missing. It felt good doing these and getting them down on paper, but there was something off. It wasn’t until he was he happened to drive through downtown Vancouver that he realised what that was.

****

Why is it that when you’re waiting for something to happen time seems to move so slowly?

This was a question Jensen kept asking himself, but could never find an answer to. He kept waiting for Jared to call and tell him that, okay, he could come now or to just show up and say he was ready. But so far there were only ‘updates’ to how he was doing and what was going on. There was no indication when this self-discovery thing would finish.

Jensen didn’t know if it was the constant worry that Jared would never come back or not, but he had started to feel under the weather. It had only come on in the past day or so, but he felt really bad. His stomach hurt, he had a fever and he couldn’t eat anything. Even Chad had commented on how much in pain he looked.

"I’m fine," Jensen grumbled. He stumbled out of his room and into the kitchen, falling onto one of the stools.

"Seriously, Jen, you should see a doctor," Chad told him as he followed him in. "Don’t you think so, Jeff?"

Jeff looked up from his the paper and took a long look at Jensen. It took him a moment to answer, but his response was the same as Chad’s. "He’s right, Jensen. You look sick."

"I’m fine," Jensen grumbled again. "I just want to talk to Jared and then I’ll go back to bed if it makes you happy."

"Why not go back now and we’ll tell Jay you’re sick?" Chad offered, although it was pointless. Jensen was far too stubborn for his own good sometimes.

"I told you I was fine. Just back off." Jensen stood, but the sudden movement caused a pain to rip through his abdomen. He doubled over, crying out at the intensity. Jeff was suddenly there, holding him up, but it wasn’t enough. He sagged to the floor, his eyes unfocusing as the pain took hold. He could hear Jeff calling to Chad about an ambulance, but he couldn’t concentrate. Words blurred into nonsense as he felt himself slipping away from consciousness.

"Hold on, Jen, okay?" he could hear Jeff saying. "We’re getting you help."

If Jeff said anything else, Jensen didn’t hear it. There was another bout of pain and then everything went blissfully and peacefully black.

****

Jared was literally bouncing, all his energy going to the balls of his feet. Today was the day. He was going to Seattle to surprise Jensen because he was ready. It was close to two months since he had last seen him and he could barely contain himself. He finally felt at peace with himself and he was desperate to get to Jensen and make everything complete.

He had a couple of hours to kill before he was ready to leave, and he used the time to make sure everything was perfect. He had cleaned from top to bottom, had changed the bed sheets, but also put some on the bed in the room that used to be Jensen’s, in case he wasn’t ready to share a bed again. Either way, Jared would just be happy to have him back in the house.

He had called Chad the previous day to make sure that he was able to keep Jensen in until he got there. Chad was all for the surprise, acting almost as giddy as Jared felt. If everything went to plan, he would be seeing Jensen in less than four hours. He had decided to drive so he had more time to prepare on the way there. It would have been better time wise to fly, but Jared figured they could do with the time travelling together.

The whole journey he spent in nervous anticipation, and now he only had another hour or so before he was there. He started to feel a little nauseous as he grew nervous, but he told himself he was being silly. Which he was, because it was Jensen. _Jensen_. Nothing to be nervous about there.

As he was repeating to himself to calm down, his phone started ringing. He didn’t take his eyes off the road as he felt around for it on the passenger seat, answering it as soon as he found it.

"’Lo?"

"Jared, man…"

"Chad, what’s wrong?" Jared was instantly hyperaware of the worry in Chad’s voice and it caused the butterflies to drown and disappear as dread flooded him.

"It’s Jensen. He collapsed back at the apartment-"

"Collapsed? Chad, what’s wrong with him? Where are you?" Jared pressed his foot down a little harder on the accelerator, desperate to get there all the sooner.

"We’re at Northwest Hospital. They said his appendix was about ready to burst and he’s gone in for an emergency operation."

"Oh God," Jared breathed. "Ok, I’ll be there in forty five minutes."

"Ok, I’ll wait for you by the entrance. Just don’t kill yourself trying to get here. That’s not a conversation I want to have with Jen when he wakes up," Chad laughed a little but there was no humour in it.

"Right. Fuck. Okay, I’ll be there soon." Jared flipped his phone shut and tossed it back on the passenger seat. He sat up straighter and prayed that the gods were on his side and he would get to Jensen as soon as he could.

****

"Fuck!" Jared cried as he had to stop due to a red light. It seemed that the faster he wanted to get to Jensen, the slower he was able to move. It was ridiculous, didn’t people have jobs? He was so close to the hospital now and he was getting more and more anxious.

"C’mon, it’s fucking green!" Jared shouted, pressing down on his horn. Inner-city traffic sucked at the best of times, but this was above and beyond ridiculous. The cars gradually started moving. "Thank you!"

It took him another ten minutes, but he was finally pulling into a parking bay in the hospital’s car park. He barely made sure he had locked the car before he was sprinting to the entrance. Just as Chad promised, he was waiting for Jared. He looked pale and uneasy, and that didn’t do much for Jared’s nerves.

"How is he?" Jared asked, rushing over to his friend.

"We don’t know yet. He’s still in surgery."

Jared took in a shuddering breath and nodded. "Can you take me to the waiting room?"

"Sure. Jeff’s still up there."

Jared followed Chad up two stories to the room where Jeff was waiting. When he saw them come in he walked up to Jared and hugged him tight, Jared returning it with just as much feeling.

"It’s good to see you, boy."

"You, too, Papa Bear." Jared replied, grinning lightly as Jeff chuckled at the old nick-name. "Have you heard anything yet?"

Jeff shook his head, pulling away from the embrace and moving to put an arm around Chad’s shoulders. "Nothing yet, but I doubt we’ll have much longer to wait."

As if on cue, a man walked in wearing surgical scrubs, but his face gave away nothing.

"Are you all here for Jensen Ackles?" he asked, his voice just as impassive as his face.

"Yes," Jeff answered for them all. "How is he?"

"Well, the surgery went well. We were able to get to the appendix before it erupted, so there were no complications. He was very lucky you called when you did, otherwise the situation would have been a lot more serious. He’s in recovery now, but will be moved to his own room in an hour. He’s going to be fine."

Jared, who had been holding his breath, expecting the worst, let it out with an audible sob.

"I’ll come back when you can see him, ok?" The doctor smiled and then left them alone.

"You okay?" Jeff asked Jared, who was blinking rapidly.

"Yeah," Jared replied. "Just relieved. I kept thinking the worst and when he said he was going to be fine…" A tear slipped down his cheek and he hastily wiped it away.

"I know what you mean," Chad started. "When he collapsed like that…" He shuddered as he remembered.

"I’m so thankful you guys were there. I don’t know what I would do if anything…"

"Hey, hey now," Jeff soothed, pulling Jared into another hug. "Nothing is going to happen to him. You heard the doc, he’s going to be fine."

"Yeah," Jared nodded. "I know. I’m sorry, I’m just a little emotional at the moment."

"Dude, that’s totally understandable. You didn‘t expect to see Jensen like this, so we get it." Chad patted his shoulder and smiled.

And Jared knew that his friends did. They did get it.

****

True to his word, Doctor Patrick, as they later found out, came in and told them they could see Jensen. He warned them that Jensen was still under the influence of the anaesthesia and would be a little dopey. He directed them to Jensen’s room and then left.

"You go on in first, Jay. We’ll stay in the waiting room for a bit."

"Thanks, Chad." Jared smiled at his friends and then headed to Jensen, his heart beating a mile a minute.

When he walked into the room, he paused in the entrance as he noticed how small Jensen looked on that hospital bed. He looked so pale, but as Jared continued to look, he could see a gentle rose colour in his cheeks.

He walked over to the bed and sat on the plastic chair positioned next to it. He took Jensen’s hand in both of his and ran his fingers along his knuckles.

Jensen stirred and his eyes fluttered open. It seemed to take him a moment to focus, but when he did, his eyes went wide. "Jay?" His voice sounded slightly slurred, like he was too tired to form words properly.

"Hey, you." Jared leaned down and moved his right hand up to Jensen’s head, running his fingers through his flattened locks. "You gave us a bit of a scare."

"Sorry," Jensen murmured. His eyes slipped shut again and Jared thought he had fallen back asleep, but then he opened them again. "What’re you…doing here?"

Jared smiled. "I was coming back to surprise you. But then I got a call from Chad and here I am."

"Surprise?" Jensen asked, his eyes looking more alert as the moments passed.

"Yeah. I was coming to tell you that I’m ready. I did what I set out to do and I was coming down to tell and to ask you to…move in with me. But you don‘t need to answer me now. Just get some rest."

"Stay?"

"Yeah, I’ll stay. I’ve missed you." Jared admitted as Jensen started to drift off.

"Missed you…too…"

****

Jeff and Chad came by after a bit, but then left with a promise to call him later. Doctor Patrick had come by to check on Jensen and had informed Jared that if there were no complications during the night, he could go home as soon as the next day. Jared thought that was too soon and voiced so, but the doctor had explained to him that because the appendix didn’t burst, the recovery time would be shorter.

It was a little while later when Jensen woke again, this time more lucid. His eyes flickered over to Jared immediately and he gasped. "I thought I dreamt you."

"Nope. I’m really here." Jared grinned.

Jensen reached up and curled his hand around Jared’s neck and pulled him down. "Jared…" he breathed before their mouths touched.

Jared tried to keep it chaste, but Jensen’s mouth was demanding and desperate. He gasped as Jensen fisted his hair tightly, groaning deeply as their saliva-slick mouths opened and their tongues gently touched.

"Did you mean it?" Jensen panted as he pulled back, still holding onto Jared’s hair tight.

"Mean what?" Jared asked, his brain not functioning entirely properly.

"That you’re ready…that you want me to move in with you?"

"Yes, yes I meant it." Jared grew a little concerned when Jensen didn’t say anything. "Jen."

"I-," Jensen cleared his throat and started again. "I was so scared that you wouldn’t come back to me."

"Oh Jen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way."

"It’s ok," Jensen assured him, "because you’re here now. God, Jared, I’ve missed you so much."

"Me too, Jen. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"So, do you want to move to Canada with me?" Jared bit his lip nervously. Even though Jensen forgave him and still loved him, he was still unsure of what he would choose to do.

"Yes."

"Um, what?" Jared asked, shaking his head a little, sure that his ears were playing tricks on him.

"Yes, I’ll move in. You’re not the only one who has done some soul searching the past couple of months."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," started, grinning gently. "I’ve decided that acting is not where I want to be anymore. So, I’ve cut ties with Hollywood and signed up for college in the fall."

Jared’s mouth worked wordlessly as he took in what Jensen was telling him.

"I’ve decided I want to teach drama, so I’ve got to go to college for a few years. But that’s okay. It’s what I want to do."

"Jen…" Jared was speechless. What did he say to that? A simple thank you didn’t seem like it would suffice.

Jensen’s smile fell when there was no other response forth coming from Jared. "Are you not okay with that?" He was suddenly feeling self-conscious.

Jared shook himself out of his little stupor. "No! God no, Jen. I just can’t believe that you’re willing to do this. Acting was so important to you."

"But you’re more important, Jared. And if these past few months told me anything, they’ve told me that what we have is worth fighting for, and if it means a career change and moving to a different country, then that’s ok with me."

"I don’t deserve you," Jared whispered, the words completely heart felt.

"You do," Jensen told him sternly. "And gosh, look at you, Jared. You look amazing."

It was true, Jared did look good. His colour had returned and he had bulked back up, but not as extreme as it once was back in the days of Sam Winchester. His hair looked healthy, but more importantly, the sparkle was back in his eyes.

"So we’re doing this?" Jared asked, sounding and feeling more and more sure.

"Yeah, we’re doing this."

*****

Jensen had stayed in hospital for a day longer than expected. There were no complications, it’s just that the doctors wanted to be sure he was on the mend.

Jared had asked Jensen whether he should contact his mother, but Jensen had told him that he had already spoken to her thanks to Jeff and had assured her that he was okay so she didn’t come and see him. He loved his mother, but she could be a tad overbearing.

The day that Jared picked Jensen up from the hospital was the day that Jensen had decided he wanted to go to Vancouver. Jared tried to persuade him to stay at Jeff and Chad’s a while longer, but Jensen was insistent. "Besides," he argued, "it’s not as if I’m going to be doing anything strenuous in the car, is it?"

Jared tried to argue, as it was clear that Jensen was still in a lot of pain, but he just wouldn‘t listen.

So, a few hours later, after hugging and profuse thanks, Jared and Jensen left for their home. Together.

****

"It’s so weird being back here," Jensen said, repeating Jared’s own words from two months ago. He had allowed Jared to carry his bags in for him, but Jared was staring at the threshold with a worried expression on his face.

"What’s wrong?"

"I don’t know where you want me to put your bags," Jared said honestly.

"What do you mean?"

"I made up your old room, you know, just in case."

Ah. Jensen understood. "Jay," he said, walking over to Jared and cupping his face. "I want my things with yours. Okay?"

Jared smiled brilliantly, almost blinding Jensen with its brightness. "Okay."

Jared hurried off, leaving Jensen to explore his new, yet old, home. It felt strange, but so good. Everything was just as he remembered it, apart from the noise of paws on the floor. He wondered if Jared’s mom would bring Harley and Sadie up from Texas. He would have to get on that.

He found himself in the living room, looking at the pictures that still lined the walls. He jumped slightly when he felt Jared press up behind him, pulling him back into his embrace, but still mindful of where he had surgery.

"Does this feel as right to you as it does to me?" Jared whispered.

"Yeah, it really does."

"How’re you feeling? Tired? Sore?"

Truth was, his pain meds were wearing off and the pain was starting up again. Plus, travelling really did make you exhausted. "All the above," he admitted.

"Ok, right. Up to bed with you, then. C’mon." Jared guided Jensen upstairs to their room where he proceeded to help him undress and get him under the covers. He was about to leave the room when Jensen stopped him.

"Lay with me?"

Jared bit his lip feeling a little unsure. "Is that a good idea?"

"I think it’s a very good idea." Jensen grinned sleepily at him and patted the empty space on the bed."

"Ok…" Jared kicked off his shoes and stripped off his jeans and socks. He unbuttoned his shirt, but when he got it the full way off, Jensen gasped. "What?" Jared rushed over, concerned. "What is it? Are you in a lot of pain?"

"You…you have a quarter sleeve…" His voice sounded awed, but he didn’t care if he sounded stupid. Jared. Had. A. Sleeve.

Jared looked down at his tattooed arm, feeling a blush spread through his cheeks. "Yeah…I er…"

"Come closer," Jensen requested, already reaching out to touch the still-puckered skin. "It’s beautiful."

Jared closed his eyes as he concentrated on feeling Jensen’s fingers on him so intimately.

"What made you get it?"

Jared moved away from Jensen, over to his closet and pulled out the journal he had used for his drawings. "Doctor Sanders suggested I do something that would help me cope with my feelings, you know, a way of self expression. Anyway, I started drawing, everything that I’ve been through or felt, I put down on paper. Then I was downtown a few weeks ago and decided to get them tattooed as a reminder. The sleeve is a collage, but I have a few more…you want to see?"

Jensen nodded, his eyes wide in amazement. He watched as Jared stood and pulled off his undershirt revealing a rising sun just above his right pectoral and a wolf on his hip. He turned around and Jensen gasped again as he saw wings etched onto Jared’s broad back, stretched across the span of his shoulders.

"What do they represent?" Jensen whispered.

"You."

"What?"

"They’re wings of an angel. That’s what you are to me. You’ve stuck by me through everything I’ve done, and you’re still with me. You’re my angel."

Jensen blinked back tears as the sudden emotions he was feeling threatened to overwhelm him. Nothing Jared could say would mean more to him than what he had done. "Jared…" he said simply, hoping that Jared would know. When Jared smiled back, he knew that he did.

*****

Four weeks. Four painful and exhausting weeks later, Jensen was finally feeling much better. The doctor back in Seattle warned him that he pain would come once the meds had worn off, and that it did. He could barely move, let alone got to the toilet or eat. All he could do was stay in bed and try not to move.

His only saving grace was Jared. He had coped with him extremely well, and Jensen only felt a little guilty for taking up Jared’s time. But, when Jared was out getting groceries or running errands, Jensen was able to arrange a couple of surprises for him. And he wouldn’t tell him until he had these goddamn staples out.

Thank God the day had arrived.

As it turned out, he didn’t have to wait long to be seen and given the all clear. Northwest Hospital had transferred him to Vancouver General so it would be easier for him.

Jared was in the waiting room and as soon as Jensen was told he could go, he was out of there like a shot, pulling Jared with him in a bid to get home quickly. There were a few things he wanted him and Jared to do, and it involved them being naked.

On the ride back to the house, Jensen found it difficult trying to keep his hands to himself. Jared and he hadn’t had sex since…

No. He wasn’t going to think about that because that was in the past and it was going to goddamn well stay there.

He could feel the heat spreading through his body as he watched Jared’s muscles jump and shift as he drove, and it was doing nothing to dim his arousal.

It felt like hours had passed when they finally arrived home and it was all Jensen could do to get them inside. He ignored Jared’s bemused expressions as he hurried them in, and as soon as the door was closed he had Jared pushed up against it, his mouth fastened to his neck.

"Jen, what’re you…?" Jared broke off with as gasp as Jensen scraped his teeth along the tendons.

"Shhh," Jensen breathed against Jared’s skin, causing the younger man to shiver. "I want this. Want you."

Jared regained enough of his senses to push Jensen away by his shoulders and looked at him. "Are you sure?"

Jensen looked directly into Jared’s eyes and said, "I’m sure. I need you, Jared, please. We’ll be okay…just," he moved in closer again, his mouth millimetres from Jared’s, "touch me."

Jared had only so much control and hearing the pure _want_ in Jensen’s voice pushed any lingering doubts away. He pulled Jensen against him, slamming their mouths together, allowing the older man to push him into the door.

"Bedroom," Jensen gasped as Jared slipped a leg between his thighs and pushed it into his crotch. Jensen rode it, desperate for the friction.

Jared’s hands slid from Jensen’s shoulders down his back until they rested against his ass, kneading the firm globes with his fingers. He pulled Jensen closer to him, making him rub against his leg harder and faster.

Jensen grunted, thrusting harder, completely out of control. He shifted so that he was able to provide Jared with some friction but he could barely concentrate. He could feel himself close already, and it might be too soon, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. He gasped and squeezed his eyes shut as he came, pulsing white hot liquid in his boxers, clinging onto Jared for dear life.

Jared coaxed him through it, rubbing him gently as the throbbing waned, but his erection didn’t. Jared could feel it still pressing into his leg and his mouth watered at the thought of tasting it.

"God," Jensen gasped, still shaking slightly. "’M sorry. I didn’t mean to…"

"Don’t apologise. That was so hot."

Jensen was sure he was blushing, but he couldn’t tell because he was so flushed. "Bedroom?" he asked.

"Definitely," Jared smiled.

They raced up to their bedroom, and as soon the door was shut, Jensen had Jared pushed up against it again, his heart pounding in his chest as he trailed kisses trailing his neck up to his waiting lips.

"Need you," Jared moaned as their mouths separated. "Love you so much."

"Love you, too, Jay," Jensen said, between panting breaths. "So much…"

Jensen suddenly found himself being pressed against the door, a light ‘oof’ coming from his mouth. He barely had time to recover before Jared’s mouth was back on his, tongue sweeping in, causing his head to spin.

Jensen slid his hands back under Jensen's ass, and easily lifted him off the floor as Jensen wrapped his legs around Jared's waist.

 

He walked to the bed and gently laid Jensen down, mindful that if he fell on top of him, it could still possibly hurt, being that it had only been four weeks since his surgery.

 

But Jensen grasped Jared and pulled him down on the bed, their bodies falling into each other, their mouths fused in another passionate kiss.

"Want you…" Jensen murmured. His hands started pulling at Jared’s t-shirt and the younger man pulled away far enough so he could get it up and over his head.

Jared’s muscles flexed with the effort and he threw the now-useless material on the floor. He looked down at Jensen, panting, lips wet and shining in the dim light of the room, his hair a wild mess. "You’ve got me," Jared told him, fingers tracing along Jensen’s cheek tenderly.

Jensen turned his head and kissed Jared’s finger tips. It wasn’t supposed to be seductive or sexy; it was an act of love from one lover to the other and it made Jared’s heart flutter.

"You’re so beautiful," Jared whispered, almost as if he were awed by this.

Jensen ducked his head, slightly embarrassed, but smiled. "You’re one to talk."

Jared didn’t say anything to that, just ducked his head back down and pressed their lips together once again.

"Clothes…" Jensen grunted. "Off…"

Jared scrambled off Jensen and stood up. He quickly kicked off his shoes and socks the proceeded to undo his jeans and kicked them off, followed closely by his boxers.

Jensen lay there, almost in a daze as Jared undressed before him. The sight of his lover never failed to make him all hot and bothered, but seeing him like this after so long was making him crazy.

Jared could see Jensen watching him and bit his lip. Jensen's pupils were blown wide with lust, his cheeks darkening for the same reason. He reached for Jensen's boots and slid them off before he discarded them to the side. He pulled off his socks and then started to undo the older man's jeans. He could see his Jensen's straining erection and couldn't help but rub his hand over it, torturing him. He basked in the knowledge that he was the one making Jensen moan, and he would always be the only one.

"You’re a tease," Jensen moaned, arching up and pushing his denim covered cock into Jared’s hand.

Jared didn’t answer, just pulled off the remainder of Jensen’s clothes. Once he had him naked, he took a moment to appreciate him. Until that exact moment he had forgotten how much he had missed this.

"What do you want?" Jared asked, his voice husky with desire.

"I want you in me."

Jared gasped, having thought that Jensen would be the one to fuck _him. "_ Jensen…I…"

"Jared, it’s fine. I promise you. I need you. Please." Jensen begged him with his eyes as well as his words. He knew this might be hard for Jared, but he had never wanted him so much in his life.

"Okay," Jared said finally. "Okay." Jared crawled back over Jensen, and with one last gentle kiss, started moving down his body. He traced his lips against Jensen’s neck, sliding downwards across his chest. He spent a little time making Jensen hiss and gasp by sucking his nipples. He bit at the hardened pebbles, causing Jensen to writhe against the sheets. It was hard to move on from that, but what he had in mind would be far better.

He moved lower, kissing over Jensen’s abdomen and licking around his belly button before he finally reached his destination. Jensen’s cock stood up hard and proud, glistening at the tip with traces of his earlier release still clinging to the silky skin. Jared could smell the musky scent that was pure Jensen and it made his mouth water.

He bent his head and he licked across the tip, swiping away the precome. It tasted just as good as Jared remembered. He was determined to make Jensen feel good, to worship him in the way he deserved to be.

Jensen gasped when Jared took the head of his cock in his mouth, and he clutched the sheets tight in his fist. He had forgotten how good this felt and Jared knew every spot that would send him rocketing towards the edge.

As Jared took him deeper, pushing past his gag reflex, Jensen’s hands flew to his head and thrust his hips upwards. It made Jared choke slightly and he had to pull off for a second to catch his breath.

"Sorry," Jensen panted.

Jared just grinned wickedly and bent his head back down, this time taking Jensen all the way in.

"Fuck!" Jensen shouted, his eyes falling shut. This felt so _good_. "Jared, please…" He didn’t know what he was begging for anymore, but whatever it was, he wanted.

Jared pulled up again and then sank back down, letting his tongue run along the shaft. On the next upward pull, he just kept the tip in his mouth, his hand coming up to grasp the exposed length instead. He skimmed his tongue against the slit, bringing it down until he could stab against the bundle of nerves just below the head.

Jensen could feel his balls tightening again, but he didn’t want to come like this, he wanted Jared inside him. He tugged at Jared’s hair, trying to get him to pull up.

Jared felt the tugs and sat up, worried that something was wrong. "Sorry, are you…"

Before Jared could finish, Jensen was turning onto his side and reaching for the bedside table. He yanked the draw open, almost pulling it the whole way out, and fished around inside until his hand found what it was looking for.

"Here," he said thrusting the tube of lube at Jared. "Fuck me."

Jared took the tube and flipped the cap open. He drizzled a generous amount on his fingers, then on his cock before he discarded it.

Jensen spread his legs, bending them at the knee so Jared could settle between them. He looked up at the younger man with such trust in his eyes and heart, and felt love completely surround him as he saw the same look in Jared’s.

Jensen gasped suddenly when he felt the cold touch of the lube accompanied with the pressure of Jared’s digit, not pressing in, but just massaging the area.

Jared could feel Jensen’s hips pressing down on his hand, obviously trying to get his finger to breach him and complied with the apparent wish. He pressed inside and gasped as the familiar tight heat gripped him. It seemed tighter than he remembered, so he took his time, gently teasing his hole open.

Jensen’s head tilted back in a silent scream as Jared pressed in another finger, feeling them graze against his prostate. His eyes rolled back into his head as Jared did it again, the shock of the touch sending sparks through his groin.

"More…Jay…more..." Jensen moaned, hips bucking and pressing down onto Jared’s fingers.

Jared could see the way Jensen was writhing on the mattress, but he wanted to make sure he was properly prepared. He pressed a third finger in, and he felt Jensen tense up around him. "Ok?" Jared asked, a little concerned.

"Yeah," Jensen breathed. "Just give me a second."

Jared held still, waiting for Jensen to relax. It only took a moment and then Jensen was moving again, his hips moving down.

"Move," he whimpered. "I’m okay, just move."

Jared did as he was told and began thrusting his fingers in and out, making sure to catch Jensen’s prostate every time.

"Okay," Jensen said, his legs opening wider. "I’m ready. C’mon Jared, I’m ready."

Jared moved, almost falling off the bed in the process, and pulled Jensen’s right leg over his shoulder. He propped himself up over Jensen so they were face to face and started to press inside. He heard Jensen whimper in discomfort, but was encouraged when Jensen wrapped his other leg around his waist.

Jared tried to hold still, waiting for Jensen to adjust, but when Jensen shifted his hips, Jared could hold back no more. He groaned deep in his chest as he pulled out and thrust back in, the head of his cock brushing against Jensen's prostate.

Jensen bit his lip and arched his back, falling into rhythm with Jared. He met Jared’s thrusts every time, looking up into his eyes, trying to convey the way he was feeling.

His hands gripped Jared’s ass, but slowly slid up his lover’s sweat-slick back until he was cradling his head and pulling him in for a kiss. They kissed hungrily, matching the fervour of their love making.

Not a word was said, just gasps, whimpers and moans flooded the room, along with the steady slap of skin on skin.

Jared was so intent on being slow and careful that he was taken by surprise when his world suddenly flipped off axis and he found himself on his back, Jensen straddling him.

Jensen rose up, only slightly, then slammed back down, causing Jared to groan loudly. It was only an experimental movement, but as he tried it again, rising a little further, something exploded inside of him, his head falling back on his shoulders.

Jared watched, fascinated, as Jensen started to move faster, and his fingers came up to support and grip Jensen‘s hips. Jared allowed his own hips to start thrusting up, meeting Jensen on every down stroke, wanting to get the right angle that would surely drive his lover crazy.

A moment later Jensen was howling, his prostate being abused by the head of Jared’s cock; Jared was making sure to hit it on every thrust.

"Jared," Jensen panted, leaning forward, bracing his hands either side of Jared’s head, and taking Jared’s mouth in a kiss that was brutal in practice, but no less erotic. Tongues tangled as breaths mingled, their pleasure reaching its peak.

Jared lifted up and rolled them so Jensen was once again lying on his back. He drove into him again and again, his left arm supporting him while the other snuck between their bodies and grasped a hold of Jensen’s leaking cock.

"God," Jensen moaned, his head rolling back and forth on the pillow. "I’m gonna come, Jay. Please, make me come, make me come…"

Hearing those words, Jared doubled his efforts, pumping his hips in time with his hand, adding a twist that he knew from experience drove Jensen over the precipice, into oblivion.

With Jared’s hand working him like that, there was no chance Jensen was going to last any longer. "Jared, Jared, Jay….gonna…I’m gonna…I’m gonna…" One last hit to his prostate and it was over. His cock exploded, shooting milky white liquid over his stomach as well as Jared’s, marking them both.

Seeing his lover come undone under him and feeling the vice-like grip Jensen’s ass now had on his dick caused Jared to follow Jensen over the edge. He spurted deep inside Jensen, scalding his insides and claiming him for his own. Again.

Jared’s movements got weaker and weaker as his emotions got stronger and stronger, until he was sagging against Jensen, completely overwhelmed. Tears flooded his eyes and spilled down his cheeks, onto Jensen’s shoulder.

It took a moment for Jensen to notice that something was wrong, but when he did, he held Jared tight and let him cry, knowing why he was doing so. This was the last step. Jared had finally let go.

"I’ve got you," he soothed. "I’ve got you."

 

*****

The next morning, Jensen woke up later than he hoped. But then again, he had a perfectly good reason. The rest of the night he and Jared had made love again and again until they finally fell into an exhausted sleep in the early hours of the morning.

Looking to his side, he saw Jared was still asleep, his face looking smooth and innocent. He was at loathe to wake him, but he had to let him know he was popping out for an hour or so.

"Baby?" Jensen whispered, nudging him gently. "Jay…"

"Hmmmm," Jared groaned as he opened his eyes and squinted in the bright room. "Hey."

"Hey yourself," Jensen grinned and leaned down to kiss Jared softly. "I’m just gonna head out for an hour, okay? I have run an errand."

"You need any help?" Jared asked, but his eyes were already closing again.

"No, you go back to sleep. I’ll see you in a bit."

"Mmm ‘k."

Jensen smiled to himself and got up. He knew this would be worth it and he couldn’t wait to see the look on Jared’s face.

*****

It took a little longer than he expected, but Jensen was finally home with exactly what he had gone out for. Well, not quite.

"Jared?" he called as he came into the house. He kicked the door shut as his hands were full.

"In the living room," Jared called and Jensen headed there, butterflies in his stomach all of a sudden.

Jared was exactly where he said he would be, but instead of watching television like Jensen thought he would be, he was sketching in his journal. He cleared his throat and waited for Jared to look up.

"You were gone a while," Jared said before he looked up, but when he did, his mouth fell open and his eyes widened in awe. "Are those…puppies?" Jared all but squealed.

"They sure are. I thought they’d make a good addition to our family, what with your mom bringing Harley and Sadie home." Jensen’s smile faded when he saw the tears in Jared’s eyes. "Have I done something wrong?"

Jared shook his head, laughing and sniffing almost at once. He put his journal on the couch and stood, walking to stand directly in front of Jensen. "No. You’ve done everything right." He looked down at the puppies. "Can I hold one?"

"Of course." Jensen handed over one of the tiny Anatolian Shepherd puppies. "It’s like a baby Harley."

"Well, that one is. This one’s a girl. I thought I’d keep things even. So, you like?"

"I love," Jared responded, smiling so wide his cheeks were starting to hurt. "Thank you so much for this. I love you."

Jensen stepped closer to Jared and leaned up and kissed him. "I love you, too."

"And holy shit! Sadie and Harley are really coming home?" Jared cried excitedly.

"Yeah, they really are. We’re gonna be a family again."

Jared laughed joyfully. "We need to name them."

"How about Jasper and Bella?" Jensen asked, eyes sparkling with mirth.

" _Twilight_? Really?" Jared asked sceptically.

"Hey, blame Chad. He was the one who kept on about his little obsession with the damn _Cullens_."

"Jasper and Bella," Jared repeated. "They’re actually kinda cool names. I like them."

"Really?" Jensen grinned.

"Yeah. But don’t tell Chad."

Jensen laughed. "Somehow I think he’ll find out."

"Yeah, but not just yet. I want it to just be us for a while. Our little family."

Jensen could definitely agree with that.  
  
****


	6. Epilogue

One Year Later.

To say the past year had been a rollercoaster ride would be an understatement. Not of the bad kind, mind you, but of the _finally being where I want to be_ kind. It had been the best year of both their lives to date.

Jensen had started college at City University and while it had been an odd experience to start there because of his status as an actor, the people who attended gradually got used to him and it became the norm. It turned out that his passion for English Literature had never died, instead it had just been dormant, and now he was majoring in English Literature, planning to earn his teaching degree in the same subject. It was amazing how he had never really realised what he had been missing out on by not going to college. He was really enjoying learning and it was truly making him happy.

Jared, on the other hand, had gone in a completely different direction. With the aid of his family, friends, the Canadian Government and _Eric_ , Jared was able to get funding and donations so that he could open a rescue for dogs.

He had found the perfect plot of land that once held stables. He had pitched the idea to Jensen while they were out taking the four dogs for their walk, and Jensen had just looked at him, this little knowing smile playing on his lips. Turns out Jensen had been wondering how long it would take Jared to come up with the idea.

It had worked out amazingly well. Jared had kennels put in, but he had also had an on-site house built so that someone could be close to the dogs at all times. The land was approximately 12 acres, and that was enough room so the dogs could have somewhere to run, and Jared could install an area for dog grooming. They might be rescue dogs, but they weren’t going to be dirty.

He had registered with the vet that he took his dogs to, and she was more than happy for the extra business, as well as helping out someone who thought so much of animals. Everything was falling into place.

Before the work was completed, Jared contacted Ashley, a plan already in mind.

"Hey Ash, how’s the work situation going?"

"Same old, same old. So, shit, basically."

"Well, I’ve got a proposition for you. Do you like dogs?"

Ashley had squealed and thanked Jared profusely for his offer, and two weeks later she had worked her notice period and had moved up to Vancouver. It didn’t surprise Jared that she got on with everyone there, but the real test came when it came to the dogs. Jared knew he had no reason to worry, and Harley, Sadie, Jasper and Bella took to her like she was the second coming. It was fantastic how it had all worked out.

Now it was a year on and Jared and Jensen were celebrating. It was nothing extravagant, but it was perfect for them. Jensen had made a meal and Jared had bought the non-alcoholic wine. An even trade, Jensen would say, because he had tasted Jared’s cooking.

They finished eating and were curled in front of the fire, the weather unusually cold for this time of year. Jensen had his legs curled up on the couch and was leaning into Jared, who in turn had his arms wrapped around him in a gentle embrace.

"I can’t believe we’re here," Jared said, taking Jensen’s hand and playing with his fingers.

"It’s amazing, isn’t it? We’ve come so far."

"I think we could go further," Jared whispered.

Jensen looked up, his face drawn into a light frown. "What do you mean?" he asked, clearly confused. He waited for Jared to answer, but when he didn’t, he started to talk again, but immediately shut back up when he felt something cold and solid slide onto his finger. "Jared…?"

"I want us to get married, and it just so happens that in this country, it’s legal." Jared grinned. "You’ve stood by me through things that most people would run from; you’ve helped me recover who I was, not who I became, and for that I will always love you. You are helping me live my dream, but it’s not quite complete. So, will you make it complete for me? Will you marry me?"

Jensen pulled back from Jared so he could turn and see him properly. He looked at Jared, really looked at him, and it was impossible not to see the truth and love in his eyes. That was all he needed to see. He started nodding, almost frantically as he smiled, his face beaming. "Yes," he said with passion. "Yes, I’ll marry you."

Jared whooped in a way only Jared could and swooped in to kiss him, stealing the breath from his lips. Jensen kissed him back with the same vigour, his hands holding Jared’s head.

They parted after a moment, and Jensen was able to look at his ring. It was a simple platinum band, nothing flashy about it, and it was just right.

"I had it engraved," Jared told him quietly. "Here." Jared slid the ring off and held it so Jensen could see it. _Eternal light,_ Jensen read quietly. He looked up at Jared, a question in his gaze.

"That’s you," Jared told him, eyes wide and soft. "My eternal light." He slid the ring back on and pulled Jensen close to him, winding his arms around him. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

They had done it. They had come out the other side, and as Jensen let himself be pulled into Jared’s embrace, he knew with certainty that his personal sunshine had reignited.

__

~Finis~

__


End file.
